How To Catch An Escaped Rhino

Apparently the Japanese have drills for this type of thing quite often.
And when I say often, I mean more than never, which is precisely how often we have escaped Rhino drills here in the states.

Apparently the Japanese have also planned to release what appears to be the best movie ever made.

Heck if I know what it's actually about, but it involves cats and puppets.
If you look closely, you might catch a glimpse of "Tama the Station Master Cat," a cat in Japan who was named station master of an unknown train station in Wakayama Prefecture.

The cat was just knighted a few days ago.

Since Tama's promotion to Station Master Cat, the Wakayama Electric Railroad has generated an estimated 1.1 billion yen from tourists. You can see him in his office.

And he has an itty bitty hat too!


Why Biola Socks

Last night I went to Punk'n Pie. It's an event at my school not unlike a talent show where peoples from far and wide across campus gather together to watch a selected number of performances. There's also pie.
But things took a turn at the half-way point when the folks in charge thought it would be a good opportunity to show us a video depicting Biola's amazing-ness.

Now, I'm sure the people who made this worked really hard, rented their cameras from the production center, and spent countless hours editing. I should also mention that their video is the only one out there that I have seen, and considering that they took the initiative to show how mind-blowingly-kick-ace Biola is I give them props. However, I'm pretty sure everything in this video is exactly what I hate about Biola, and I feel the need to call them out on it. Why? Shut up, that's why.

1. The intro

Oh, I get it. It's a video WITHIN another video! Clearly this places this particular awesome college video on the same level as Shakespeare. As a bonus, we get to see who made the video so that we're able to see them on campus later and punch ourselves in the stomach as a sign of respect. They're hilarious.

2. Football

At Biola people like sports, such as frisbee, which is most definitely a real sport. People also play sports like football. And they play them with their shirts off. You might think this is just to show off to the ladies, but it actually has the added benefit of making guys more aerodynamic so that they can jump out of the camera frame after throwing a ball and pop up in another frame so that they can catch it again. Who needs a team when guys can do stuff like that? This is very common at Biola, a place where every bible/literature/philosophy/film major is completely ripped. Biola is awesome and guys at Biola are hilarious and don't wear shirts.

3. Statistics

We have a certain number of so many things at Biola, and so few other things at Biola, that it makes me want to puke rainbows. Biola has been in La Mirada for 50 years. No one on earth can make that same claim, even though we all know they want to.

4. Editing

Hey, you know how that movie Sin City which was totally awesome a few years ago but suddenly lost some of it's luster when common editing programs became capable of doing similar effects? Yeah, I was thinking, let's make a girl's shirt red.

5. Slip'n'Slide

Biola has a huge Slip'n'Slide that everyone uses all the time. In fact, I slide to class everyday. It's the perfect way to top off a game of shirtless-football.

6. Student Interviews

-"Hey, is this video supposed to be funny or serious?"
"I can't really decide."
-"Well, what if I say something funny, but it's actually kind of supposed to funny in a type of ironic, totally untrue, way? Like I say 'Oh, the Cafeteria here is so delicious' when in reality it can be pretty bad sometimes?"
"Can I take my shirt off again?"

7. Film Majors

"We have so much fun setting up lights and microphones! I can't wait to do this for a living! Biola rocks because I'm able to show so many Biola graduates who have gone on to be really successful in the field they majored in, but I won't because I haven't actually heard of any. Let's talk about Citizen Cane some more and act really friendly despite being threatened by other people. Hey! Slip'n'slide!"

8. More Sports

Because let's face it, no one's coming here to get an education, and everyone who's anyone likes sports.

9. Girl to Guy Ratio

"Sure, all the girls around me are most likely freshmen and pre-engaged, that doesn't change the fact that for every one guy at Biola there are two others who definitely wouldn't want to talk to me anyways!"

10. Ethnicity

"Yeah. Sure... We have a black guy on campus... somewhere..."

11. The Worship Band

Anyone at Biola can be in the worship band! They might need good credentials, be able to sing or play an instrument, follow the Biola contract, really like bland worship songs which may or may not be theologically accurate, but they can certainly stand near the stage.

Oh Biola. I should've made a video. But then again, I can't really think of anything I'd make that would get a wholesome Biola approval while remaining honest or fun to watch. What can you do? Sigh.
Still, the guys who made this did a good job. It's attractive, shiny, and will probably attract an audience, so overall, it's effective.
I just didn't like it.


These Are Awesome (and tiny)

Little People


An artist known as "Slinkachu" makes them. And they're great.

The Awkward Uni-dog?

And apparently I'm an idiot. It actually is a joke. Thank goodness.
Nothing to see here folks, move along...

Oh hey look, there are mash-ups posted just below this one. Those look more interesting than this post. You should look at them instead.
*Cough* well, I'm just going to slowly back away now.

**end of update**

Let's look at everything wrong with this image.

It's a product, to be sold, to people who actually own dogs and want to turn them into small unicorns. Now, I'm all for taking animals and giving them horns and magic, but just take a look at the description from their site.

"This is not a costume. This is a kit to completely transform your beloved pug or beagle from a cute canine to the ultimate unicorn. It includes screw-in horn, hoof attachments, medical grade glue, peroxide, mane fur, a tail and a handful of glitter! Just peroxide the color out of your dogs hair and attach the fur and accessories with glue. Once you have the horn in place (Dremel not included) your beloved pooch will be ready to accompany you to fairyland. Please specify size of dog when ordering. Not legal in California, New Mexico and part of Maine."

As far as I can tell, this product actually exists. There's no part of the site that says, "Just kidding, silly! You didn't actually plan on bleaching your animal and throwing glitter into it's eyes did you?" No, they honestly want to provide consumers with the possibility of not just making their dog wear a costume, but "transform" it into a mythical creature. All for the price of $124.95 (for small dogs).

At least it doesn't suggest the possibility of giving your animal the power of flight.
Although that does give me a new business idea...



If you know me, then you know that I love a good mash-up. The problem with this is that there are so many, so very very many, mash-ups ranging from "decent" to "do not want."
So today I'm going to post three tracks of Bastard Pop I definitely approve of.

Fissunix - Pure Rock You
(via Fissunix)

Yes, Queen has been subject to more than enough mash-ups and baseball games, but listening to this mix between "Rock You" and Placebo made it a whole new experience for me.

Lenlow - Mushaboom (via music remixed)

Feist and Rare Earth don't sound like they should be successful together, but they are. They really are.

Norwegian Recycling - No Taylor No Scar (via Mashup Town)

Finally, we get to Jack Johnson mixed with Bob Marley. For some reason I haven't come across a good mix featuring either of these two. Luckily, this one breaks the mold.


I Appreciate Mark Wahlberg

I appreciate him more now than ever before.

Mark Whalberg talking to animals, hey what's that all about? Say hi to your mother for me.


Everything Is Cooler In Lego Form

Ever seen the music video for Radiohead's House of Cards?

Pretty cool. The whole video was made without any traditional cameras, just these new fangled lasers and computers.

But even cooler?
The same video made with Lego's.

Yes, it's short, but pretty amazing if I do say so myself.

But I suppose there's no way to post it without taking a look at our dear Mr. Michel Gondry...



The Sound of Chimes

Apparently one of the benefits of turing in an article "on time" is that the Chimes posts it sooner on the web.
Somehow, without even telling them, my roommates have all managed to already read it.
But I know someone who hasn't yet...
That's right. You.
You should get on that.


I'm not going to lie to you. This is kind of one of those articles where I suddenly realized, "Oh, wow, I'm already at 600 words. Welps, this is nothing one sentence can't wrap up immediately." Hence the abrupt ending. But to be honest, I can't really think of any other way it should have ended, because I'm definitely doing some hardcore multitasking (last night was the first time my roommates have seen me in a week). Speaking of which, I have three papers and a poem I need to get to work on.

If you haven't noticed, this article has a heavy emphasis on the show "How It's Made." If you've never seen it, there are a couple things you need to know.
A. It's made by a bunch of Canadians.
B. Every episode begins with a miniature version of what's being made rotated on a small platform in the middle of a random park.
C. Every episode has the same terrible electronic music.
D. It's basically crack on television.

There's no reason anyone should ever watch How It's Made, but there's no reason anyone could ever resist it.
Here. An example. Ever wonder how bubblegum is made?
No. Neither did I.

There it is.


Tropic Thunder -Movie review

Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder has just reached my local dollar theater, a tell-tale sign that it'll soon show up on DVD, which is probably a more suitable viewing format than the price of a full fledged theater ticket. Following in the footsteps of The Three Amigos, Tropic Thunder adopts the familiar premise of a group of actors unaware that the film they were supposedly making is in fact a reality. The following review functions under the over-arching opinion that The Three Amigos is not only a successful comedy, but a classic film, and as such will be comparatively analyzed.

To begin, Tropic Thunder is, at times, a very funny movie. Despite the familiarity in it's premise, the film shows no lack of ingenuity. The very first minutes throw the audience a brilliant curve-ball while also functioning as a brilliant character introduction. This doesn't mean that the film doesn't take shortcuts. The film heavily relies on surprise cameos, which while being initially funny, begin to wear out their welcome with prolonged screen time. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The story functions around a collection of various actors, all assembled to make a motion picture based off an infamous war novel. Ben Stiller is primarily featured as Tugg, an action hero in a slump after his previous film "Simple Jack," a film about a retarded horse whisperer, failed at the box office. Jack Black is a heroine addicted version of Eddie Murphy, and spends the duration of the film in withdrawal. Brandon T. Jackson is a rapper who takes time off from promoting his merchandise to call out Kirk Lazarus, played by Robert Downey Jr. All of them are fantastic in their portrayal, but Robert Downey Jr. simply steals the picture. His character within a character somehow manages to have even more layers beyond that, and behind his blindingly blue eyes there is a certain amount of subtlety worth noticing.

There's a lot to like here. I know that, but deep inside I felt slightly sick after watching it.

This film is not The Three Amigos, it's not supposed to be. The film is coarse and violent, and it manages to turn those attributes into genuinely funny qualities. If you don't believe me, just watch the fountain of blood coming out of a special-effects head-wound early in the film. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. But the film features little to no redemption for it's characters. Whereas Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short learned a valuable life lesson is contrast to their previous Hollywood lifestyle, these characters only gain an acting lesson from reality. There is one fatal flaw to Tropic Thunder, and that is the complete and utter non-endearing qualities of it's characters. You might like them, but you also might like them not to make it out of the jungle.

Comical pacing in the film's structure is also oddly absent. The very concept is dependent upon build up and revelation. Instead, one land-mine goes off and the characters immediately accept their situation. There's no suspension of disbelief, there's no group of characters left in the dark. The only mistaken identity is that of "Simple Jack," and it serves as the highlight of the film. It's a tragic missed opportunity in humor.

I laughed a whole lot during Tropic Thunder, but I'm not necessarily sure I liked it for it's personality. It's that friend you think is funny but only because he's oblivious to what a jerk he is. It certainly warrants a viewing, but an inexpensive one on a lazy night. Overall, it's dollar movie night material, but it certainly earns that dollar.


Bradley's Birthday

I stole these photo's off my girlfriend's camera. For that reason I will only post the most attractive ones I can find featuring us both.


As you can tell, I was REALLY into Rock Band with Jon.

If you look closely in the background you'll see one of my most prized possessions. It's a "Heart-Gard" I got with Beth. It really deserves a post all of it's own, but just know that we've tried it on.

I mean, I was REALLY into it.

We all were.

Little Green Man

I found this brave soldier single-handedly defending the steps in front of my school.

I left him there to continue the fight.


You're So Money Baby...

You don't even know it.

Why might I embroider this?

'cause there's nothing wrong with letting the ladies know that you're money, and you wanna party.

I discovered two things while making this.
A. Quotes from the 1995 movie Swingers take friggin forever to embroider.
B. No one I've met out here has actually seen the 1995 movie Swingers.

That last bit of info somewhat surprised me.

But then again, in 1995 I was eight years old. Luckily I have a clip from You-Tube to keep us all up to date with our mid-90's film history.


My week has been chock full of work, classes, and midterm exams. It's a lot to prepare for, and with no time to lose I've been cramming in plenty episodes of Planet Earth.
This Sunday I practically had an unintentional marathon of it. It was mainly unintentional because the show becomes so hypnotic after a while that Sigourney Weaver's voice lulls me into a near comatose state whist a steady stream of saliva drips out of my mouth. It also looks pretty.

But if there's one lesson to be gleaned from Planet Earth, that lesson would be that it sucks to be an animal.
In fact, nearly every animal featured is accompanied by a voice-over noting how this particular animal, after struggling to do something completely pointless, will die. Almost every animal, Sigourney Weaver tells me, will die, and it's probably because of me.

I feel like I need to apologize to a Koala or a Polar Bear.

On the other hand, every once and a while Planet Earth will show an animal which really has no business still being alive. In fact, the world would probably be a slightly less retarded place if they didn't exist in the first place. It's these animals that I cherish most of all. They stand in the face of Darwinism and say, "cqrfhqurebgvpq" which is retarded for "I shouldn't probably exist, but I do anyway."
It is in one of these creatures that I found my spirit animal.

The Bacterian Camels of the Gobi desert.
They're basically versions of Chewbacca from Star Wars, with humps and a tail which they use to continually whip their butts with to display their affection for the fairer sex. So much like us.
They also periodically squeal a low-pitched barking noise.

They also can smell humans from miles away and are practically impossible to find.

Yet Planet Earth has them.

And you can watch them.

Here: http://video.aol.com/video-detail/planet-earth-camels-of-the-gobi-desert/1113770616



Political Minds

Hooray for new Chimes articles! Specifically ones written by me!
My latest has just been posted (if ya wanna check it out). I know you do. Here.
Here, take the link.
Here. Just take it. I know you want to. Come on. Do it. What are you waiting for? It's right here. Go. Come on.


This week it was requested that I become political minded and write something having to do with some kind of "election" people are talking about.

Instead I decided to write about the Predator beast from the 1987 classic "Predator."

Baby, you got a stew goin!

Notice my subtle correlations between Carl Weathers and Barack Obama... Actually, maybe you shouldn't.

If you want to hear from someone actually political minded you might be in the wrong place.

This is the right place:


I'm not going to lie to you. I don't understand most of what's on that site, but that only means it's intelligent enough for me to agree completely with everything he says.


I'm really tired. Happy, but tired.
I thought I was doing pretty well this morning, but while I was walking to work I became distracted with tucking in my shirt and walked face-first into a parked truck.
I was fortunate enough not no have any confused onlookers, yet somehow the event was still emotionally crippling. I found myself abruptly pushed backwards by this non-animated metallic beast with four wheels. My shoulder hurt and I started asking, Why? In what kind of sick world do people park their trucks in parking lots where tired people like me can run into them? I just don't know. I just don't.


Pipe Wrench Fights and Magic Mirrors

Every time I watch this it only gets better.

People need to make more of these.


God Bless the Japanese

Bless their hearts.

This man has been making straw-accessories for over 26 years, culminating in this fabulous "Godzilla" mask.

It's so awesome apparently, that all the power on this part of my school campus just went out. Biola just can't seem to handle this level of Japanese ingenuity. Then again, who could?

Blogged Down With Work - week in review

Yep, I've been slacking again with the ole-blogging and such. I'm going to use school as an excuse.
The good news?
I've got another Chimes article for you.


It's about working out, and how I never do it.

Me, not needing to work out.

If you need me to help point to things you might have missed on the internets, there wasn't a whole lot this week.

Unless you didn't see these Pac-man inspired outfits. Then you missed a whole lot.

Apart from that from that though, there really wasn't much.

Well, except for one doozey.
Yep, my Facebook relationship status has officially changed from "Single" to "In A Relationship." Heck yes that's right. I think that means I'm practically married now. And I love it. Hooray!
Although I must admit it is somewhat strange how three different people I don't usually see around campus stopped me and mentioned something about it. Good to see people are keeping up with their newsfeed though. Gotta stick with the times.


That 70's Party

I went to a 70's party this weekend.
Tragically, I don't own many authentic 70's clothes, but thankfully Beth had me covered, literally, from head to toe, with enough 70's novelties to last a lifetime.

Then again, while Beth's sense of style suits her well (very well I do say) for guy such as myself the results can be, well, confusing at best...

You know I make this look good.

I've been trying to think of words to describe exactly everything I feel concerning this photo, yet it remains distinctly indescribable. Suffice it to say, I resemble a somewhat effeminate Beetle/Hippie hybrid, I do believe.


Pineapple Express - Movie Review

Pineapple Express

There are two different kinds of smoker comedies, and neither one are meant to make you think. These kind of movies are meant to be watched in a smokey haze where even the slightest pause or movement elicits a confused chuckle or a deep approving nod. The Pineapple Express, on it's surface, is just that kind of movie, but beneath that there is something inherently different. The film manages to, at times, transcend beyond it's own expectations, before settling back into pure entertainment. Both are treats to enjoy.

The film has no shortage of gross-out sight gags, including but not limited to mutilated ears, shotgunned feet, and fork stabbing. This comes along with a verbose vocabulary of curse-words and sexual terminology usually reserved for the darkest depths of Urban Dictionary. I only say all of this because The Pineapple Express is really the most wholesome smoker comedy I have seen. True, that might not be saying much. But despite Seth Rogen's confused and absurdly vivid talk with his girlfriend concerning the two "and a half" girls he once slept with, there is an emotional need being seeked out by these characters.

Dale (Rogen) wants his relationship to work out, even if his girlfriend still has to deal with homeroom and flirting jocks. Dale's pot dealer Saul (James Franco) spends his time living in an isolated apartment where his only company is two televisions running simultaneously along with a sound system. They both need to make friends, become buddies, and bond in the way that males usually do. When I say that, I mean they play leapfrog in the middle of the woods while high. The opportunity for all this bonding arrives when Dale witnesses a murder while delivering a court-order to Saul's pot supplier. Things take a turn for the worse, and in their constantly high stupor they often react in exactly the wrong way, sometimes for the better.

James Franco provides a performance so ethereal in it's scope that his character of Saul not only becomes the highlight of movie, but is deserving of a character analysis far longer than this review. With every second of screen time it is not only evident that Saul is completely high, but it is clear he has spent so long in this perpetual mental state that the Saul who once existed is now hovering in the back corner of his mind. He only mentally comprehends the last few words of every strand of dialog, and if you watch him closely you might be able to understand the world his mind functions in.

Despite popular opinion, this film was not directed by Judd Apatow. It was directed by David Gordon Green, the independent director of George Washington and Undertow. His roots are hidden in this film, yet noticeable. The camera provides a unique glimpse of the unnamed Californian urban setting, occasionally settling on the sight of children playing, given that James Franco is there as well crying while eating on a swing set. It can often be quite beautiful, if the viewer cares to see it that way. Fact remains, this movie has one of the funniest and most satisfying cop chases in recent history.

The film isn't without it's many problems. For every scene with a hint of brilliance there is another equally pointless. There will be long strands of dialogue without meaning, some inherently funny for that very purpose, others a grinding test of patience. There are morally questionable actions, such as underage drug selling for example, which may rub some the wrong way. Again, my problem may be that I did not see it while high, but a good movie should be a good movie no matter what mental state you're in.

I really liked Pineapple Express. It meets the expectations of every viewer, no matter how low or high they may be. It is what it is, and if you look carefully, you might find a little bit more. I found more than less.


I Need To Study

I have an exam for my Acts class in a wee number of hours. I hope this explains my brevity in this posting as well as my lack of recent posts over the past couple days. I am deeply sorry.

Here, check out my new Chimes article:

There's a glove-slap involved somewhere in there.

I have also spent my time in procrastination watching commercials for Crest teeth whitening which I find oddly hilarious.

Okay. What was I studying again? Oh yeah, right, something having to do with the Bible. I should get on that.