Drive Angry
**---
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The experience of watching Drive Anrgy is just about the same as standing in the gun section of Wall-Mart for two hours. You'll find yourself seeing lots of balding fat men wearing sweaty t-shirts with stretched American Flags emblazoned on the center, and probably intermittently yelling "F*&% YEAH!" for no particular reason, except that they can, and that's really the only reason Drive Angry exists. It was made because somebody can, and also because somebody will also pay to see it. Like me for instance.
I for one watched Drive Angry in an empty theater while eating Taco Bell that I sneaked in under my jacket. I would recommend you do the same, if only the 3D effects didn't make me want to puke partially digested Cheesy Gordita Crunch into my lap. Drive Angry is a very bad movie, made to be so, but still, really quite bad. This is a film that hopes to evoke the golden age of cinema known as the grindhouse era, which really only exists because people have always been making bad movies and were once doing so on very small budgets, and apparently fake blood is cheap. Now we have 3D. So imagine how much better this era is. Oh wait, they've had 3D for a while now, haven't they?
Well, this fine film stars Ghost Rider, I mean Nicholas Cage, who reprises his role as an escapee from hell to avenge his daughter's death and save his infant granddaughter from being sacrificed by a group of red-neck satanic worshipers. If that doesn't make much sense to you, don't worry, nothing makes sense. The film is a veritable minefield of exploding plot-holes. Or should I say POT-holes! Get it? Drive Angry? I'll let myself out.
Well, the first hole I should specify is that for a film entitled "Drive Angry," Nicholas Cage does a surprisingly small amount of driving angry. In fact, he's not very angry, mostly just mildly inconvenienced that he has to drop his cigar and bottle of Jack to start shooting a group of men armed with whips, chains, and a tazer. I should note, he doesn't drop the woman he is currently engaging in intercourse with. For anyone who hasn't seen Shoot 'Em Up, this is pretty great, for people who have however, they will immediately spend most of the time after this scene thinking about how great that movie was.
As Nick Cage continues his odyssey chasing down a satanic leader who has a penchant for wearing Willy Wonka's jacket and a pentagram necklace (of which he is repeatedly stabbed by throughout the film), he meets the scantily clad Piper who hops into the front seat with a surprising amount of eagerness. Occasionally she may ask a perfectly valid question, such as something along the lines of "How did you just get shot in the head, have a distinct bullet hole in your eye, but are somehow still alive?" which is only resolved by Nicholas Cage saying, "The bullet's still in there. I CAN FEEL IT." How does some of this dialogue take place while they are driving on a bridge that seems to extend endlessly throughout an additional fight scene? I guess now I'm the one asking too many questions.
I should also note that this film includes a diverse range of reaction shots, with most of them occurring awkwardly. What did I expect the woman who had terrible gun-fight sex with Nicholas Cage to say when she was discovered by the cops the next day? Lord only knows, but somehow that was simultaneously exactly and not at all what I expected.
Cage is followed by a mysterious character named "The Accountant," (played by the very good William Fichtner) who, although I assume is perfectly aware that Nicholas Cage can be shot in the head yet still survive, nevertheless convinces police (by repeatedly showing a fake FBI badge) that they should try to shoot him to death. Does any of this make sense? No. But it does happen in 3D, occurs mostly in slow-motion, and involves numerous exploding limbs. So it's still pretty satisfying.
By no means should this movie be watched alone. This is something made for those late nights when you and your friends need something to talk about. It's one of those films that if you're laughing at it, then really, you're just laughing with it, and if you are actually laughing with it, then you're probably missing the point. As such, for a bad movie, it's almost perfect.
