DRAGON WARS - THEE Movie review
Listen. Today we're going to talk about the best movie ever made. No, I'm not talking about your Citizen Krap, I'm talking about Dragon Wars, the greatest epic since Dead or Alive. Now, I don't really remember when Dragon Wars was released, but last night when my roommate drunkenly requested we rent either My Super Ex-Girlfriend or Norbit, I had no expectations about viewing a masterpiece.
Luckily, beforehand I had prepared a pound of pre-shelled Edamame for my roommate Norm and I to share. Shortly afterwards Norm and I realized exactly how much a pound of beans actually is, and ended up slightly nauseous and confused. This, combined with a tad bit of alcohol, essentially resulted in a viewing experience so good I can't even remember it.
I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't actually watch Dragon Wars. I was there for the beginning, definitely there for the end, took a shower somewhere near the middle, and also checked my facebook shortly after the shower. The parts I did watch were pretty solid though.
I mean, I was falling asleep, but I imagine they were great.
The story I could put together was that a young journalist was assigned a story relating to a natural disaster, which could only be explained by a giant Dragon War. Luckily, the journalist remembered that as a young child a middle-aged man, which he refers to as the "old man," confronted him in a store and explained how he must overcome the Dragon War by finding the ancestor of the Dragon War princess. Or something. There are lots of Dragons, this is, after all, a Dragon War.
The film throws a great surprise into the mix by betraying my expectations and instead of chronicling a war between good and bad Dragons, instead opts to chronicle the human war against the Dragons. So although this War does involve Dragons, it's not so much a Dragon War as it is a War against Dragons, a War against the Dragon War even. Where the crap am I?
After our protagonist finds Sarah, the Dragon War Dragon Princess human, things really start to kick up a notch I think. She does, after all, have the Dragon War Dragon Princess tattoo on her shoulder, which demonstrates how she is indeed the chosen one to end the Dragon War. Dragon War.
Somehow, after the climatic battle on top of a skyscraper in LA, the Dragons take our Dragon WARriors to a castle somewhere, and then have a SECOND climatic battle between two dragons. "FINALLY!," we each exclaimed in our confused stupor, "We have a DRAGON WAR on our hands!"
So, yes, the only thing more confusing than watching Dragon Wars is how you end up watching Dragon Wars. And the only thing more confusing than that is trying to figure out what the heck happened during the Dragon War itself.
The result? Easily the best dollar rental my roommate ever got. Ever. And that includes the time he came home with The Hot Chick, starring Rob Schneider.