The Final Destination - Movie Review


View Trailer
The Final Destination

In case you didn't know, this is the The Final Destination. I'm not entirely sure what that extra "the" means apart from the fact that this recent sequel must have been inspired by this past years THE Fast and The Furious sequel, a film that spoiled the tendency I usually have for adding "the" to film titles that don't require it. Like, The Schindler's List, or The Citizen Kane. It just seems less intelligent and unnecessary, which I suppose is what this sequel is.

Unlike many reviewers, I had very high expectations for The Final Destination and was more than willing to cut it a little slack. If you don't believe me, just ask the lady who sold me two tickets at full price. I have a deep respect for this series which has set it's corner stone upon finding the most creative methods to murder its characters. In the past these methods have involved large falling pieces of safety glass, falling escape ladders, exploding fences, roller coasters, tanning beds, boat propellers, and oh so much more.

What this Final Destination lacks is a satisfying plot and captivating characters. That's bad. What it does have is 3D. That's good. But what the 3D lacks is a satisfying way to cover the audience with blood after each gruesome execution. That's bad. So what reason do we have to go see this?

Well, there are all the deaths. So many deaths. However, the basic formula for most of these is: Object A Goes Through Person B's Head (probably the eye or mouth), and the cycle continues. There is a fairly good one here or there, but you don't need to read a short story by Chuck Palahniuk to be able to spot them. Then again, the moment of the execution itself has rarely been the most satisfying part of the Final Destination series. It's usually the build up. These executions are supposed to be carefully designed examples of the chaos theory. Usually the victim is somehow the constructor of their own demise, and usually without even realizing it.

This film also makes use of several premonitions which allow the central character to view, essentially, the murder weapon to be used. This technique removes the previous ingenious methods of ominous foreshadowing and replaces it with so-so interstitial animations. Gone were are the days of scary flocks of pigeons or insidious messages, instead now the characters all go to eat at diners called "Death By Caffeine," go to see movies called "Love Lies Dying," or take part in any activity that has some form of the word "death" in it. It's amazing these people only wear clothes from Ambercrombie and not from Hot Topic. Although, the latter choice in apparel could have made them slightly more interesting to watch.

Rarely do you get to see a film featuring characters as thinly drawn as this. These people look like they have never left a mall except to go to the beach. Their interactions with each other never go much further beyond "I'm going to the pool to hit on some wicked hot chicks... and most certainly not be disemboweled by Deaths cruel hand. Then maybe I'll go see a 3D movie. Eh? Right?? Because people watching this right now are in a 3D movie! Eh?? Get it?" Wink. Dead.

Never have I been so distantly interested in whether or not someone was about to die. And I play tons of videogames. The first lines of this movie start with, "Everybody comes here to see a crash." The movie itself actually proves otherwise.

Wait for the next installment. The Final Final Destination.

No comments: