Good News Everyone!

I have good news for everyone so tired of typing that ridiculously long web address http://www.theawkardunicorn.blogspot.com every couple minutes (because I know you check back every couple minutes). I officially own the domain of http://www.theawkwardunicorn.com now! ISN'T THAT AMAZING! You don't have to type ".blogspot" anymore! just theawkwardunicorn! AMAZING I TELL YOU!

So there.

If you've been confused why the postings have been a bit all over the place lately, it's because classes just started up again and I've been going crazy-go-nuts trying to keep up with everything. Hopefully once I get into the groove of things posting will be a bit less sporadic. On that note, I'm going to California tomorrow, so don't be surprised if postings are a bit light on Friday and Monday. And by light I mean not there. Maybe. I don't know.

If you're wondering what classes I'm taking, one of them is definitely a life drawing course, which, as I unexpectedly discovered last night, does have nude models. So that's something. Here's how I reacted/plan to react:

1. Give a high pitch squeal.

2. Giggle like a school girl.

3. Yell "Say WHAAAAA?!" In a high pitched voice.

4. "Mamma Mia!"

5. Look side to side, cough, and mumble "awkward!" Also in a high pitched voice.

Further suggestions are appreciated.


5 Worst Movies To See On A Date

There are good movies, there are bad movies, there are even some movies that are so bad that they're good movies. But if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that there are some movies you should never, EVER, see with a date. These are them.


What's It About?

Jason Statham gets drugged up and in order to survive he needs to keep his adrenaline pumping by causing massive explosions, driving really fast and treating women like objects.

Memorable Quote:

Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:

Jason Statham causes massive explosions, drives really fast and treats women like objects. This movie's sort of like a Rorschach test. On the one hand your date could look at this and see a mindless action movie and totally be into it with you. If so, congratulations, you're dating a psychopath. On the other hand your date could look at this and see it as an exploitative piece of garbage, will take it personally, and immediately yell rape. If so, congratulations, you are a psychopath, stop taking women to bad movies.
The explosions and driving fast are alright. What's not alright are the absurdly low production values, which clearly substitute helicopter camera views for random zoom-ins on the MapQuest web page. That's not a joke. They honestly do that. The sheer number of exploitative sex scenes and gratuitous (and thoroughly unnecessary) semi-nudity, just makes you feel dirty.
Still. It has explosions. So I guess you could do worse...


What's It About?

How great drugs are.

Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:

Drugs really aren't that great. In fact, they appear to turn your life into a living hell before they either kill you, kill everyone you love, or much much worse. The good new is that not everyone dies at the end of this movie, the bad news is that everyone else is left to live in a never ending nightmare. Man, I'm getting depressed just thinking about it.
Your date will hate you for a number of different reasons. If actually watching the movie wasn't so bad, the ending credits will be. This is because one of you will have to say something to close up the evening, and honestly, after this downer, what's the point anyway? Unless the girl happens to find amputated arms and drugged out sex slaves romantic, I really don't know what to say.
Still, it is artistically and stylistically beautiful, so you definitely could do worse.


What's It About?

Huh. You know what? I have no idea.

Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:

Look at yourself. I don't know how you got a copy of Naked Lunch, nor why you would ever plan to watch it with anyone else. But if that's really your plan you make me sick.
This film is most commonly described as David Cronenbergs adaptation of an "Unfilmable Novel." That's pretty much all you'll get from other reviewers. Personally, I'd say it is a surreal account of the creative process by a seriously deranged and drugged out individual.
It's not a question of "why" your date will hate you, as much as "when" she hates you. Is it when the main protagonist is first interrogated by the over sized talking beetle? Or is it when the phallis-like typewriter rewards it's host's good writing with it's own bodily fluids? Do you know how uncomfortable it was to write that last sentence? Maybe now you might understand an inkling of how uncomfortable it would be to watch this with a loved one.
However, it is an uncompromising adaptation of a literary work. "Just like Pride and Prejudice," you can claim. Yeah. Sure. You sick f#$*.

Speaking of which...


What's It About?

I don't know, it's a chick flick. Probably something gay.

Why Your Date Will Hate You:

Vanity Fair and or Becoming Jane is Pride and Prejudice, except it doesn't have the admirable traits of Keira Knightley or being a good movie. As far as I can tell, it pretty much has the same plot and setting as the aforementioned film, yet it manages to be completely unenjoyable at the same time. It's not just unenjoyable to men. It's thoroughly uninteresting to both genders. The movie originally tanked at the box office. Those few individuals that did see it appear to be completely unaware of that due to the fact that they slept through the entire affair. If they did like it, it's because they woke up while a different movie was playing.
Your date will hate you for being so agreeable all the time and just letting her pick out the movie for the night. If you're really unlucky she won't just hate you as much as she'll completely lose all interest in you and forget you exist. Worst case scenario is that she'll go back to her place, watch Pride and Prejudice again to cleans herself of this cinematic filth, and then continue to reinforce themselves of Jane Austen's absurdly unrealistic expectations for men.


What's It About:

I, I just don't know. Chevy Chase gets pulled over for speeding, and as a result must spend a night in the worst movie ever to exist. F#$%. Holy F#$%, this is bad.

Why Your Date Will Hate You:

This. Is the worst movie. It's not the worst movie ever. It goes beyond that. There is not a more unpleasant experience than Nothing but Trouble. As the title itself explains, this film will bring nothing but ruin to you and your household. Don't ever tell me you've seen a worse movie. You're wrong. This is it. If I, or anyone else, makes any list involving the "worst" movie of any kind, this is on it. If you don't see it, the author left it out because it's TOO BAD to even be listed.
You might see this movie at the very bottom of the Wall Mart bargain bin and say, "Hey! Look at this! Chevy Chase? Dan Aykroyd? John Candy? HOW COULD I LOSE?!" Do you really want to know? Do you really need me to describe Dan Aykroyd in character? Specifically his character as a decrepit hundred+ old man, with a synthetic nose that occasionally changes it's appearance into the shape of a bulbous phallus? DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO EXPLAIN THAT? Maybe I should go into describing the massive, fat, overgrown babies (also played by Aykroyd) covered in some gelatinous liquid. No. No, I couldn't. Maybe I should describe the late John Candy dressed up as an overweight mute woman. No. It should all be forgotten. This pseudo-comedic movie is a black mark upon the annals of history.

This film is the only one on this list proven to be harmful to relationships:

So there you have it. The five worst movies from various genres you could see on a date. Say what you want, I really don't think you could do worse, at all. Just steer clear of these and you're in the clear.


Assorted Crackers Were Never So Hot

Many of you were not present at my New Years Eve party, and I did take it personally. VERY personally.
But it's cool with me. I just don't know how you could live now with seeing THIS:

Yeah. That. You're probably all like, "I don't even know what that is but my head is exploding just like that guy from Scanners!! NOOO! BOOSH!" Well, THAT, my friend is my makeshift New Years Eve ball, hoisted over my neighbors tree up the hill behind my house.
When I say makeshift, I mean it's composed entirely of Christmas lights wrapped around each other.

What I failed to realize is that hundreds upon hundreds of lights wrapped around each other quickly become hotter than the sun itself.

Luckily it's cold enough for the ball not to melt into one giant heap of plastic. So now all my neighbors can bask in the incandescent glow of electrical sex. Beautiful.

But this is where the real meat of this post comes in. The reason it took me so late to post this up is because I've been meaning to stop off at the grocery store and get pictorial evidence depicting something of the utmost importance.
You see, on the night of New Years Eve I realized that my party was missing the one essential ingredient of all parties. That ingredient of course being water crackers.
There's nothing better than a genuine water cracker, made only from the finest water available. You can't get them just anywhere, only in grocery stores and fancy pant stores like Fresh Fields or Crate and Barrel. Don't even think Ikea has them. So I set off to the store in search of them.
I take pride in finding perfect water crackers. It is a food that simply reeks intelligence and fine taste. Just like Grey Poupon. So I held my head high and proudly sported my monocle as I walked past those unsophisticated Ritz crackers.
I surveyed my different options and found the perfect package:

Ah, yes. The assorted pack! That looks delightful! I thought.
But then I looked closer and realized I hit the jackpot.
At first I had to rub my eyes to believe it.
My monocle fell out into my champagne glass and my mouth fell slack.

Look close at that picture.
Do you see it?

Maybe you can decipher this next poorly focused picture:

That's right.

Giant is officially selling "Specialty Ass Cracks."


When I saw this I actually busted out laughing. In the store. While looking at a cracker shelf. Obviously no one understood why. And they understood much less once I came back to take a picture.
Someone out there must have known this would happen. Someone was given the task to print out a sticker for Specialty Ass Cracks and either posted it up unwittingly or waiting for me to find it.
This, my friend, belongs on the internet.


New Song Monday - Robot Chair

I was inspired by the "robot chair" in my last post and decided it deserved a musical tribute. I guess this one's for the kiddies out there who are tapping their toes in expectation of the next "wheels on the bus." Here it is, you little jerks.
I heard this rumor that if you keep making music, generally speaking you get better at it. Hopefully we'll see if there's any truth to that. In the meantime you should take these files, download them, and then edit in your own sweet instrumentals. It would save me a ton of time and really free up my schedule to play more Assassins Creed/maybe study maybe.


Well done. Well done indeed.

I believe a congratulations is in order. Apparently I have clicked my own link enough times to boost the visits to this blog at an even 1,000. It took forever, but I finally did it, and who knows how I'll celebrate? Maybe click the link a few more times for good measure? Yes. Yes that sounds excellent.

The word 1000 got me thinking about the T-1000, which was a robot, which logically reminded me of the "walking chair" I saw earlier today:
Walking Chair Link

I'd post a picture of it here, but apparently the people smart enough to make a walking robot chair aren't smart enough to make downloadable pictures of a walking robot chair. So in case you're unable to use that link (I suggest using a robot-mouse) then I hope you can mentally combine these two images below:



Yeah, pretty awesome, right?
I was so inspired that I decided to make my own robot chair:

Chair Robot 1000

Impressive stuff right? I don't mean to brag, but my robot chair has a central processor composed of nothing but a Lite-Brite... and another shotgun.
Also, mine has the added ability of functioning as a chair, a function which the walking chair ironically lacks.

Did I mention you can't actually "sit" on the walking chair? That's the best part. It is a robot, something entirely unnecessary and expensive, disguised as a chair, something entirely useful and cheap. The makers were smart enough to invent something cool-looking and entirely useless.
I hope to someday have a house filled to the brim with nothing but unusable moving furniture.
I can see it now. I'll come down the stairs in the morning and see my couch outside, mindlessly shoving itself into a fence. Meanwhile, all my kitchen stools trip over each other and violently thrash at the linoleum floor. My bookshelf will barely be capable of moving underneath it's weight, yet will sadly attempt to edge itself through my front door and make a break for freedom. Not this time Bookshelf. You're all mine.


Sometimes I Think I'm Retarded

Maybe it's just me.

Sometimes, when the escalator is out of order, after I start walking I begin to think that it's actually moving backwards. I suddenly become really tired and nauseous. I also become paranoid that I went up the wrong one.

Every time I hear the clicker for a car's turning signal I think it goes clickCLICKclickCLICK, with each alternate click having a slightly higher pitch than the other. In reality there's no difference between the click's. It's just clickclickclickclick. If I try hard enough I can alternate how I perceive this, but eventually I get a massive headache. I never understood this phenomenon.

Sometimes I think I'm actually retarded and everyone else feels so bad for me that they continually lie to me and try to make me feel better. No one can convince me otherwise.

As a kid I rarely raced raindrops in the car, but I still pretty much always pick one or two drops and try to weave them in and out of power lines and trees by twisting my head. I do this with stains on the windshield as well. Little did I realize as a kid that I looked ridiculous while doing it.

Sometimes, when I randomly notice someone performing a minuscule action, I end up perceiving it in the same way an alien would analyze it. For example, such as taking a sip from a cup of coffee, I think, "This is how a human drinks." I don't know why, but this happens when I least expect it, but usually when I'm just bored.

I think I might make actual facial expressions or move my lips while imagining conversations in my head. This worries me.

I used to wake up to my phone alarm in the morning, until I realized that the sound it makes is more frequent than I expected. Every time I hear that sound my heart stops and my spine gets a sharp pain. I can only wake up to radio alarms now.

Sometimes I chew food to the beat of a song stuck in my head.

Sometimes I'm feeling lazy and kind of skimp out of my blog post for the day.


The Age Old Debate: Mc Donalds Vs. Burger King

There are numerous debates of which I am sure will continue raging until the end of days. SNES Vs. Genesis. Halo Vs. Goldeneye. Ashley Vs. Mary-Jane. Yet despite what we think, surprisingly not all debates have anything to do with video games or creepy twins. Sometimes all we really want to know is the best place to grab a burger, and with this in mind we face the greatest dilemma of all. Mc Donalds Vs. Burger King

Round One:

Food Quality

When it comes to the hierarchy of food quality in fast food chains, establishments such as the two in question automatically rank lower than the vast majority. Yet some places still manage to debunk this trend.

However, Mc Donalds and Burger King still fall short of the bar set by Wendy's and Arby's. Yes, sometimes there is a sudden craving for fries, or a specific dessert, but when push comes to shove you generally don't "want" to go to either one. You just end up eating there because you don't want to spend a lot of money or drive somewhere else. As a matter of fact, the only reason you eat at these places is because you want everything else. Unfortunately you can't have everything else because you're too stubborn to save money by only eating at these type of places. So here you are with only two options.

When it comes to hamburgers, Burger King somewhat manages to live up to it's name. Whereas with Mc Donalds you get a soggy patty that looks like it was just used as a makeshift Brillo pad in the mens room, at Burger King you get a barely satisfying piece of meat that appears to have actually been touched by an open flame. It's a tad juicy too, which in this case is a good thing.
Unfortunately, just about everything else is less than sub-par.
Mc Donalds wins this by openly ignoring everything about hamburgers and focusing mainly on the supporting food groups. Such as vegetables. Their salads are actually quite good, and for those who hate eating healthy, you can get a salad with fried chicken and bacon. Oh, but wait. Those salads are like six bucks. That's not cool. I could go to subway for that much.
Oh, the irony. Mc Donalds has better quality foods which are maddeningly more expensive. With this in mind they might as well not even exist. Sigh.


Burger King

You're better off sticking with the dollar menu. Ah the dollar menu, when have you failed me?

Round Two:

Value for your Buck

This brings us to the most important factor. Monetary value. I want to know that my dollar is going to the best use.
Mc Donalds wins this hands down. For three bucks I can get an iced tea the size of my face, a double cheeze burger, and fries. That's a meal fit for a king.
Meanwhile, the only thing you can get at Burger King is LIES with a Coke, and even then you'll owe a buck twenty five. Most of the stuff on the dollar menu isn't even a dollar. It's like, a dollar and... something cents. I'M NOT PAYING THAT. One buck. That's all I got.
It looks like this "Burger King" needs a Robin Hood! HAhahahaha. Did you see what I did there?


Mc Donalds

Round Three:

Tie Breaker: Healthiest

This is the most difficult test imaginable. After all, who really knows how healthy this crap is? I mean, I don't even think scientists have figured it out yet. And they're smart.
Most people would attempt to argue about the calorie intake fat consumption blah blah blah. I'm a simple man. I don't really care what this stuff is as long as after it's gone I'm not hungry anymore and I'm not dead.
So I'm going to take a different approach.

Tie Breaker: Which Food Chain Am I More Likely To Get Shot/Stabbed At?

This most definitely goes to Burger King, the only food chain I am legitimately afraid to visit.
Here's how to test it. go up to the nearest person and ask them how to get to a Mc Donalds. They'd probably say, "Oh yeah, just head up the street, take a left at the Subway and you'll see it on the corner."
Now go up to the same person and ask how to get to Burger King. They'd probably say something along the lines of, "Oh, man, um, really? You Sure? Okay, well go down the street. You'll see this crazy homeless guy who'll yell something about Vietnam. Yeah, you're going to have to crawl through his "home," which in reality is actually a pile of moldy boxes. On the other side you'll see a cop. Stab him in the side and whisper something in his ear. Then take a right down the dark alley and give the guy outside a stolen boombox."
That really is the only way to get to a Burger King. Trust me. Getting out is a LOT tougher. Expect the worst.

So yeah, Mc Donalds is the healthier choice considering you won't have a bullet inbedded in your shoulder. Doctors agree that bullets are medically proven to be detrimental to your health, so you should stick with Mc D's.

Winner Overall:

Mc Donalds


New Song for the Week - Ode to Cloverfield

Yep, another week, another song. I felt like making a little diddy for Cloverfield, you know, because it was so awesome. So here it is. Download it here, or just scroll on down and listen to it there. Either one works.
In other news I just watched that movie "It's All Gone Pete Tong" (I netflixed it) and must say it's great. Not Cloverfield great, but hey, what is? But really though, it's really well made and also made me want to listen to way more mashups. I'd recommend it.
Here's a depressing bit of information, I start classes today. So if you have any means to cheer me up please use them immediately.


27 Dresses Review

27 Dresses

The film 27 Dresses, supposedly once codenamed "cheeze" and "slusho" while in development, sparked interest ever since it's original teaser trailer (which strangely premiered alongside Transformers) found it's way onto the internet. Since then, this pseudo romantic comedy has been subject to a maelstrom of internet hype, and I was more than eager to see if it was going to live up to it's name.
Taking place in New York City, the film takes no time to set the scene in Central Park, where, from the get go, the viewer is aware that the main protagonists are doomed. This however is only hinted at as the film begins with a celebratory party for a bride and groom. It's fun, entertaining, and we the viewer are right along with them. Yes, the film manages to gain a couple authentic laughs, however this only makes the film so much more disturbing considering how the characters appear to be completely unaware that New York is about to be destroyed by a giant monster, a terror of which the world has never seen.
I must say, I was a tad confused as to why J.J. Abrams kept the monster concealed throughout the majority of the film. In retrospect though, it makes complete logical sense when taken into account the big reveal, in which the monster turns out to be Malin Akerman in a wedding gown. Brilliant.
It is also important to note how the cast has been predominantly kept under wraps. There are some very good performances here, especially from Anne Hathaway, who, for reasons beyond me, appears in this film with blond hair and is inexplicably credited as Katherine Heigl. Judy Greer also wanders in from the set of the Wedding Planner and, as always, essentially steals the show.
However, what makes this film work are the little touches that play with the film's format. Supposedly filmed on digital, the film hints that it is entirely recorded over another, slightly better, film underneath. This creates dissonance, as the funny segments that have been recorded over are occasionally separated by long spans of time where the central characters fight for survival in a world gone terribly wrong.
The film, simply said, is a terror of which man has never dreamed. Never before have I felt so isolated in a crowd (surprisingly made up of women). While watching I could only imagine the carnage happening off screen, in the distance. At one point, as the main protagonist had to cross midtown to attend two weddings at once, I had to close my eyes in horror. When I heard the terrifyingly high pitch squeals and the gasping audiences response to the destruction of a wedding gown, I knew this film hit it's mark.


New Music Thursday, A Recap, Cooking, Playing Chess, Painting, and Exercising

Hold on a second. Did anybody actually watch that "Painting while Blending and Running" video down there? I mean, did you REALLY watch it? I watched the whole thing today and seriously couldn't stop laughing.
It inspired me to do a quick recap.
1. I went to another screening of Cloverfield last night, and yes, it was even better the second time. Although this theater was a tad smaller than the one I saw it in the night before, it was still amazing. So make sure you see it in the best theater possible (preferably the largest and with the loudest sound system available). It's seriously worth every cent for a ticket. Or you could help my brother out and get yourself a ticket for free: http://www.simpleflix.com/ (mwahaha). Seriously. Best movie ever.
2. Mr Darcy still stinks.
3. There's a new song at the bottom of the page. I recorded it right after the retreat so it's full of voice-cracking amazingness, and I was too lazy to clean it up, but hey, maybe the next one will be better.
4. MASSIVE snowflakes are flying past my office window right now and it is dizzyingly awesome. I'm just going to say that you have classes/work canceled for tonight.
5. Right now I'm listening to Your Song by Kate Nash. Excellent. (you can right click that one to download it)

So here's the real meat of this post. I want to give you a quick recap of everything in the video below as I see it.

Okay, so there's this bald guy right, and he's running on this treadmill while stroking a canvas with his paintbrush. Yeah he seems really excited. Wait. What's that? Oh, okay, it looks like someone off screen is also giving me a thumbs up. Who just said that? Oh, okay, it appears to be a mildly retarded Asian. Oh, it looks like he's making an egg sandwhich. WHOOPS. I guess that egg sandwhich was a mistake. Yeah, go Eddy. Go Eddy. Eddy seems pretty confident that he's gonna win. Alright. John is talking to himself saying that maybe they're doing too many things, but he appears to forget this the second Eddy starts bragging about his chess skills.
Hold on a second. This guy, Eddy, is bragging that he's winning a chess match against a guy who is literally cooking, painting, and exercising? Isn't that a little one sided dude? And what kind of dissonance is running through John's brain right now? He's playing against someone who very clearly appears to be mentally challenged, is that right? Wow. Running, cooking, painting, playing chess, and confronting a mental conflict. This show is INTENSE. Oh, it looks like they're taking phone calls too. This list is getting long.
Whoa. At 6:00 on the timeline he takes a bite of the egg sandwich with incredible results. THIS GUY IS HARDCORE. Sorry John, better luck next time.
6:15 they've got a CALLER! Who is it? Oh they seem interested in cooking! Oh, no. No wait. It's just another wiener joke. Sorry John. I am so sorry.

Does anyone else see something strangely Kafkaesque about these videos? The existential dilemma is based around the idea that man is thrown into an absurd world he cannot understand. What is more absurd or confusing than running, cooking, painting, playing chess, and taking callers all at the same time? Yes, I think I did learn something from public access television. And that is the fact that wiener jokes are ALWAYS funny.


No. It's Not Lemonade.

So I believe I recently mentioned that I was a counselor this past weekend on a Junior High winter retreat and I figure I should say something about that.
You see, as you can probably imagine, I have a hard time seeing myself as being a good counselor. As a reader, you could probably agree with this. I'm forgetful, am frequently easily distracted, occasionally tell an individual to "suck it," and I'm forgetful. The problem is, I only fully realized this while actually on the retreat.
What made me come to this realization was on Saturday night while things were beginning to wind down for the evening. I was in a cabin filled with seventh grade guys. Now, these are good kids. I think. I mean, I figure they'd have to be in comparison to some other youth group out there. But again, if you know me, you know I'm not the most active guy. I think the reason I can do some of the things I do is because I was born without any interest whatsoever in sports. Not only do I not know anything about athletics, I can't even adequately pretend to be interested in athletics. This creates dissonance when I'm in a cabin filled with a bunch of guys who only read ESPN and whose only goals for the rest of middle and high school include lifting more weights. Here's an example of an exchange between me and one of these kids (using a random statistic from Yahoo sports):

Them: "Dude, Allen Iverson had 51 against the Lakers last month. Isn't that insane?!"
Me: "Whose Allen Iverson?"
Them: "Allen Iverson."
Me: "What sport is this?"
Them: "Basketball."
Me: "OOOH. THAT Allen Iverson. Is he black?"
Them: "No. You're probably thinking of LeBron James."
Me: "Right. What sport does he play?"
Them "Basketball."
Me: "Oh, yes I definitely know of that sport."
Them: "But you've never heard of LeBron James?"
Me: "It definitely rings a bell."

It definitely didn't. And I definitely didn't understand. But apparently this is all they were interested in. It was lame. I mean, what ever happened to the days when it was cool to talk about stuff like video games? Oh, right... So I mostly just sat back and let them do their thing. This proved to be a bad idea when the counselor I shared the room with took a shower and left the kids only with me as a witness.
It was almost lights out and I was already close to passing out on the bed when one of the kids mentioned they had to pee. With my fellow counselor taking up the bathroom, the kids didn't wait to hear any options I had in mind and ran off into the woods. Still collapsed on the bed, I thought it was only slightly gross and went back to imagining the cabin under attack by zombies. Shortly afterwards, one of the kids returned triumphantly with a Gatorade bottle.
As unpleasant it is for me to write this, let me inform you that being there was far more unsettling.
For you see, the kid very proudly informed the rest of the cabin that the bottle was in fact filled with his own urine.
He also kindly informed everyone how warm it was.
Swallowing the vomit in my mouth, I kindly, and loudly, informed him to get rid of it.
How?! He asked, laughing maniacally.
Never being one for saving the environment, I logically expressed that he should throw it out into the woods where no man would ever tread. This, as one of the other kids noted, would also keep bears away as an added bonus.
Alas, logic could not help them.
As the kid went on to ask if anyone wanted to hold the bottle, I exclaimed, much louder than before, to get it OUT of the cabin.
Again, he asked where.
Yes. I briefly considered illustrating my idea with brute force, but a lifetime of experience has taught me that you don't go anywhere near someone while they are literally holding their own bodily waste. So I restrained myself and said, "I don't care, throw it anywhere!"

It took a couple seconds for the synapses in my brain to flicker the traffic lights and remind me why this was a bad thing to say. And before I could properly process my thoughts, the kid had already burst out the front door with his bottle in hand.
Sitting upright in bed, I waited for someone outside to scream, but there was silence.
It took only a couple seconds for the kid to return. This time bottle-less. And laughing.
"Alright," I said, "where did you throw it?"
"Into the sixth graders cabin!" He laughed.
At least he was honest about it.
"Alright. You're going to apologize." I said, grabbing him by the arm and silently hoping to God the cap on the bottle was still on tight.
I took him up to the sixth grade guys cabin and shoved my kid inside. The apology was unusually straightforward and polite, saying, "I'm sorry for throwing a bottle of pee into your cabin."
The sixth graders replied with blank, confused, stares. "Oh, that's what that was!" One of them said. "It's cool man," another replied, giving him a high five.
This was not the kind of positive reinforcement I was looking for, but still, the kid picked up he bottle, left, and under my orders went out into the woods and rid mankind of it forever.

I suppose I learned a lot of things that night. Such as to never trust children and that ESPN is totally lame. Other than that though I think I'm just as ignorant as before. And in the end isn't that what really matters?
Suck it LeBron James.


Cloverfield - Review


There's something I really hate when a new movie comes out. People tend to watch the movie, and, if it's good, run to their nearest friend and recommend it. This alone isn't too bad. In fact, this alone is very very good for a movie. But sometimes those people (usually film majors specifically) end up claiming the movie for their own, either by giving tidbits away, saying things such as "oh, watch the part where..." or "I LOVE this part..." or, "I knew this movie would be good the second I heard about it." This is the film major's way of essentially marking a film with their urine. It's incredibly annoying to me, and generally ruins the experience for everyone. So with the next couple paragraphs I'm going to attempt to avoid all of that and simply state my opinion.

At first, I was afraid of Cloverfield. I thought it's original trailer was one of the best things ever made. I loved the movie's website, 11-18-08.com. I even bought into the online game, EthanHaasWasRight.com (which in retrospect might not even have anything to do with Cloverfield), and spent an entire day at work figuring it out. I was consumed by it. What I mean to say is this, I had my expectations set for Cloverfield higher than any other film I've expected to be released. With that in mind I want to make my next statement very clear.

Cloverfield is the best movie I have ever seen.

I've tried to revise that statement, tried to include the words "of the year," or "in recent memory," but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It really is a perfect film, a tremendous allegory, and an overall breathtaking experience.

What makes it shine are it's intricate details, which I will spare for the sake of the experience of viewing it. What I can say is that this is a perfect example of a film making full use of it's format. There's no way it could be made any other way. Anyone who has ever held or looked through a viewfinder, rewound the tape, and looked over what they have have witnessed will understand. It's format allows for logical and brilliant narrative structure. The film contains flashbacks, however they are integrated with the most ingenious method I can think of. Even with it's shaky images, each shot appears to be meticulously crafted. The film captures a beast unlike one you can imagine, not just a monster, but time itself, which has itself rooted in the corner of every scene. You get a sense that this really is a piece of history, and in a way, I think it is. Rarely have I been this immersed with a movie. In a word, it's intense. Really intense, and afterward you'll still be shaking, but it's the kind of trembling you want to keep around.

So, yeah, Cloverfield is amazing. I'm going to be that film prick right now and say you have to see it. Go ahead and hate me, I'd rather that than you downloading it and watching it on your computer. Really, it's worth every cent to see it. Seriously. I will see it again and again, in the theater too. It really is that good.

Blend, Run, Paint, and Blog

Sometimes, when it's four o'clock in the morning and I'm feeling real jazzed. Sometimes I just want to get up, hop on an exercise machine and just run. Just run and run. And maybe paint a picture too. Yeah, that's it, just running and painting a picture. And blending mixed drinks too. Just running, making a painting, and blending a drink. And if you want to talk to me while doing it, well, I can do that too. Just run, paint, blend, and take phone calls.
But that's it.
Man, I wish someone else shared that passion...
Oh, hey,

If running while painting and mixing blended drinks while taking phone calls is wrong, well sir, I don't want to be right.

Starbucks, and The Way I See It

Whoa! It looks like Starbucks finally came around and printed one of my deep thoughts on the back of their cup! Took long enough!


Adding Fuel to the Spiders

Let me tell you a little something about the Z man, the "Z man" being myself. When I get on a job I get busy getting things done. True, most of those things are not actually qualified as work, or are even remotely related to what I am supposed to be doing, but man, I will tell you that I can focus on not getting work done unlike anyone you have ever seen. It'll be like, "Zack, can you file these for me?" And I'll be like, "Yeah I'm on it." And then I go online and watch ridiculous Japanese performances for the next eight hours. Like these:

Uploaded by bazookajapan

Sometimes, however, my tangents become less constructive and I end up looking at things which were never meant for human eyes. This is usually due to my unusual interest in knowing what to do in a hypothetical situations. Like if I were face to face with a giant spider. I say this because the other day I was suddenly inspired to research spiders. Specifically giant spiders. Huge ones. Preferably poisonous. My interest was spurred when I saw this:

Looking at a photo like that is kind of the opposite of seeing a photo of Santa Claus when you're a kid. If you saw a photo of Santa you'd say, "Well, I better believe it's the real thing, cause if it ain't I'd be disappointed." Except in this case you'd say, "I hope to God that isn't real because if it is I need to board up my house immediately."

So here is where the story really begins.
This past weekend I was going to be a councilor on a Junior High retreat, so I wanted to get everything in order before I left town. Driving up to the store, I looked at the dashboard and realized my to-do list needed to include getting gas. So stopping off at the nearest gas station, I stopped the car, got out, and flipped open the panel covering the gas tank. I then turned around, lifted the gas nozzle out of the holder and then turned back to the car.
Then I froze in place.
There, in the dead center of the cap covering the gas tank, a reasonably large brown spider swayed back and forth, apparently attempting to make his current living situation a more comfortable one.
Taking a step back I mentally ran through the various options, not unlike a choose your own adventure novel.

1. If you decided to brush the spider away with your hand, Turn To Page 13.
2. If you decided to brush the spider away with the gas nozzle, Turn To Page 13.
3. If you decided to drown the spider by spraying it with gasoline, Turn To Page 13.
4. If you decided to cowardly hop back in the car and drive away, Turn to Page 14.

Page 13: The spider jumps straight at your face, causing you to scream like a little school girl and spray gasoline everywhere. This will prove to be far more disastrous when the gasoline slowly creeps towards an open flame which results in an explosion that engulfs you and the entire neighborhood. The spider survives.

Page 14: You survive to see another day.

Yes. I chose page 14. I used the gas nozzle to close the gas cover, looked both ways, and quietly edged my way back to the drivers seat. I felt uneasy about driving away from the gas station after having been there for no more than five minutes, but grew increasingly more uneasy after imagining the brown spider crawling up through the side window, or through the air conditioning vent, or that it was on me at that very moment crawling up my neck.
Sure, you might call me a coward, but think about all those people at the gas station. They had no idea what they were in for. They could all be in a crater right now if I hadn't been the bigger man and left the spider for my dad or sister-in-law to deal with. I'm a hero. An unsung hero. No, I don't need a medal, unless you want to give one to me or have one offhand. I don't need that. The Z man doesn't require any awards for his heroism.
So if you'd excuse me, I have some Japanese performance videos I have to watch.


Bestest Video Games 2007

Bestest Video Games of 2007

Well, 2007 is over. And since I don't have anything better to do this current year, I've decided to list off the bestest video games of 2007.

Bestest Game That I Would Secretly Wait To Play Until Someone Else Was Home Because I Was That Scared

I LOVE scary video games, but I'm not going to lie to you. I get scared really easily. So I prefer to get scared when there is someone else I know in the current vicinity. Let me stress, this doesn't mean they have to watch me play the game, this just means that if there actually was a masked murderer in my house, in all likelihood the person upstairs would be killed first and unintentionally give me fair warning to run away like a little girl.


The Darkness
Resident Evil 4
Viva Pinata

F.E.A.R and Resident Evil 4 both made me poop my pants. Literally. But both of these games actually have been around for a while. While this past year they've been re-released for new systems, they've already reached a massive audience, meaning, they've been making other people poop their pants previously to me, which kind of cheapens the pooping experience, if that makes any sense. Poop. The Darkness had me tense up every once and a while, but it was more "Italian Max Payne with tentacle beasts on his back" than anything else. So I'm going to have to award this one to Bioshock, a game which legitimately had me disturbed.


Bestest Game That Succeeded in Wasting Crucial Hours of My Life

Man, games sure are great. It just sucks that I have to give up so many other things to enjoy them, like time, girls, or money. Still, the time I devoted to these beasts were well worth it... just maybe not in retrospect.

Guitar Hero whatever number they're up to
Animal Crossing Wild World
Metroid Prime Corruption
Mass Effect
Super Mario Galaxy

Let me tell you a little story. There once was a game called Elder Scrolls 3 Morrowind, an RPG available for the original Xbox which I immediately bought upon it's release and spent countless hours exploring. The end.
Did you like that story? No? Well good, because it was a lie. It wasn't countless hours, there were 90 of them. You want to know how I know? Because the game kept track of all of them at every save point. That's right. I played the same game for at least 90 hours, in the same room, on the same couch, doing roughly the same thing. That is roughly three days of my life gone forever.
This story is a tragedy. It's a tragedy because I never actually beat the game. 90 hours, and I don't think I even entered the main quest. I don't even know what the main quest WAS. Eventually, after my character got rabies for the upteenth time, I threw my controller down, looked in the mirror and asked myself what all the fighting was for. Then I shaved my head, punched the mirror and hallucinated the ceiling fan was a helicopter. Okay, that last part is a lie too.
So wasting my time is a bad thing, and unfortunately there is a growing trend for video games to only be successful if they last at least 40 hours and involve collecting stars/rings/chocobos. And I got the gold Chocobo, so honestly what's the point anymore? Just give me a game with a good story, that ENDS, and I'll call that game a masterpiece.
I didn't get to play Mario or Mass Effect, so those are out. I made friends with a raccoon in Animal Crossing, so that definitely wasn't a waste. Guitar Hero inspired me to stop playing games so much and actually pick up a real guitar, so that was probably the most constructive game of all. The winner this time will definitely be Metroid Prime Corruption, a game so determined to waste my time it forced me, last minute, to go back and collect a ton of batteries across the universe just so I could get to the last boss.
That's right. Collect BATTERIES. Isn't that amazing?! I get to travel across the galaxy and spend countless hours trying to find something that most likely rolled under my couch two weeks ago! Suck it Samus.

Metroid Prime Corruption

Runners up:
Every game I play

Bestest Game That Totally Didn't Make Me Cry, Seriously, Can You Give Me A Minute? I Have Something In My Eye...

Yeah, deny it all you want, but real men aren't afraid to admit when something tugs at their heartstrings. The only difference is that they tend to admit it in a form of a poop joke.

The Darkness
Animal Crossing Wild World
Halo 3

Bioshock gave me a guilt trip for killing little girls, which is sad, but generally should be.
Animal crossing was sad because I'd make friends with fickle animals who would move away the second I stopped picking weeds. And oh yeah, THIS: Animal Crossing Story
Halo 3 was a different kind of sadness. Probably more of a let down. What great build up, what fun gun fights, what a shame the game had to take itself seriously and have an ending that was just so bland and uninspired. Still, who plays Halo for the story anymore?
I must say, I'm halfway through the Darkness right now, and if it's going the way I think it is, man, that game sure deserves this award. To be honest, I've never played a game that rewarded me for being romantic, and I sure didn't expect it to come from a game like the Darkness where the main priority is to summon demons from the depths of hell to do away with baddies in back alleyways of New York. What's surprising is that I actually felt good about it too, then really bad, because lets face it, if the only time you're being rewarded for romanticism is during a video game then you've got worse problems then you think. So the Darkness wins, hands down, because I spent several minutes in this game watching a movie with a virtual girl that doesn't exist, literally got points for it, virtually kissed her, and then realized how sad my REAL life was. Excuse me, I have to hallucinate under the ceiling fan now...

The Darkness

Bestest Game Overall

There are no nominee's for this one. It was Bioshock. It just was. What a masterpiece of gaming and storytelling. There are few games that forced me to keep playing well past four o'clock in the morning, but Bioshock succeeded. It is a fantastic example of art, narration, and video games mixing together to provide a thoroughly original experience. Beautiful.


There are any number of other acclamations I could award, but to be honest, I'd rather be playing video games right now. So if you'd excuse me, I'll be gone for the next 90 hours.
No calls.



If there is one thing I learned over the past week, it's that music mashups are plentiful in supply. So it might take some work to keep an ear open for something that is truly unique, or at the very least, good. Because let's face it. Music mashups don't always work. Here are a couple I came across today that i think are simply, well, very good, if not great.

Sweet Yellow High

With or Without Glycerine

Powerless American Baby

Go Let It Like It Should

Yeah, I'm kind of in the mood for Oasis this week.


A Sudden Request for a Change in Definition

As you may already know, we are in the midst of a digital revolution. For this reason, we as a generation of internet users must confront this technology and properly adapt our previous lifestyles to better acquaint ourselves to this ever evolving online melting pot. As you also may already know, despite there being a digital revolution going on, we will never truly be free from common annoyances, such as other people. For this reason I present to you a change in definition of our previously used terms.

PDA - Public Display of Affection

Will now be this:

PPDA - Public Profile Display of Affection

Exhibit 1:

Yes, at least they apologized, which is far more than I can say for most couples who make out in the common area. But even with a disclaimer, something like this still causes me to throw up a little bit in my mouth. That "angel" line? Part of me thinks "Nice one." And then another part of me thinks "I hope I never have to meet you in person." These two people obviously know each other very well. That means this girl is into guys that are cheezy and say lines like that on a dime. This only serves to prove my age old hypothesis, girls only love guys like Mr. Darcy, and I still hate Mr. Darcy.

Exhibit 2:

Oh! Hey! Remember that time you were totally into the opposite sex, and then you read that post and turned gay? Yeah, that just happened. The world is a small place. So it's not surprising that someone out there has a number of something else somewhat related to you. PPDAers love to point out such coincidences. Ah, such is love.


Posts like these proliferate in the Facebook stratosphere. So why is it PPDA? Well, for one, these posts are constantly publicized on the Facebook newsfeed, which constantly updates itself continuously, which means every morning I get to wake up and remind myself that I'm single and need to immediately make fun of these couples on my blog... which in turn only amuses myself.
Which brings us to my second conclusion. These are actual posts from people I know, which may be insulting to them because they are private messages. But the first lesson we all had to learn about the internet is that nothing is really private any more. Any display of affection is a public display, available for me to grab snapshots of and bastardize any way I see fit. So essentially, if you're that kind of couple that makes out in the hallway, I can now walk up directly to you guys and point my finger while laughing. Virtually, of course.
Of course, this does mean that any PPDA I may use (and definitely will, in excess) is free to be used against me. Irony, you shrewd sage!
And oh yeah,
Suck it Mr. Darcy.

New Music Monday

Hey, it's my first song, so obviously it isn't perfect. But if you're still in the mood for a (very) delayed Christmas diddy you should right click the file below and save it to your iTunes.

Zack Newcott and the Chemical Cow - Nativity Scenes

By the way, I'm having trouble posting the .mp3 file by itself, but I think this player does the trick.


New Music Friday!

Not that I'm going to make a tradition of supplying new music each Friday, but certainly more often. Here's some tracks that I came across which I really liked. These songs are from Pelle Carlberg and I think they're just thoroughly charming in every way possible.
(right click these to save .mp3 link)

Pelle Carlberg - Riverbank

Pelle Carlberg - Clever Girls

Pelle Carlberg - I Love You, You Imbecile


The Bucket List - Movie Review


View Trailer
The Bucket List

The Bucket List is a perfectly fine movie. It is fine in the sense that I wouldn't be opposed to showing it to my grand-parents, although, still, I would have to watch it fully expecting them to take offense to something in it. Then again, I suppose that's more of a reflection of their taste than the film's actual quality. Because really, at it's heart, the Bucket List is a sweet movie. The trailer does a fine job of summing it up, and in the words of a college kid it's "That movie about old people who make a list of stuff they want to do before they die." Of course, the story is a little more fleshed out than that, but the execution is about on par with that description.

For the purpose of this review, it's important to note that the two leads are Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, two well versed and experienced actors who are also, well, growing older in real life. Morgan Freeman, who has been playing the same exact character of an older and wiser man as long as he has walked this earth, makes the startling decision to play the same exact character in this film too, which makes things interesting if you pretend you're watching Bruce Almighty 3, Shawshank Returns, or Deep Blue Sea part II (which actually starred Samuel L. Jackson). Past performance shows, the role works for him. He genuinely captures a vast array of emotions and draws you in with his realistic sensibilities. Jack Nicholson of course does the same, and also plays the same character you've seen before in films circulated on TNT. What you see in the Bucket List, character wise, is what you get, and that is not a bad thing at all. In fact, that makes the movie seem very real and authentic. Authenticity is key, and while the performers do what they can, the rest of the film falters in achieving this attribute.

The Bucket List is really an extraordinary story about extraordinary characters doing extraordinary things. What is amazing about it is that these aren't superheros, these are just two old men who have a dream. The film follows them as they travel to the Great Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, Italy, France, the Great Wall of China, and numerous other landmarks. These are notoriously the most beautiful places in the entire world. So I hope you understand my disappointment when I note that the entire film was made within the state of California.
Yeah, the sky diving, the motorcycling, the safari in Africa, those are all stunt guys, modern day superhero's who are paid to take risks and then have their faces digitally replaced by Jack and Morgan. Who can blame them? I don't honestly expect Morgan Freeman to jump out of an airplane, but for a story about two normal joes doing something magnificent there's a whole lot of sitting down time. In fact, it seems they go to all these landmarks just to have a pleasant dinner on top of them. These dinners, by the way, are all superimposed in front of a backdrop, one of which my friend swears "the waves aren't moving in the background." The special effects work well and are often seemless, for the most part, yet they tend to aggravatingly play the viewer for a fool by inter-cutting Morgan Freeman pointing off screen, saying "Hey look over there!" And then splicing in an old video from the archives of National Geographic wild life. It's cheap and ineffective, for us youngsters at least.

So here's my problem with The Bucket List, for a film aimed at a more intellectual and older crowd, the movie itself seems to pander to that audience in the same way a Saturday morning film might pander to children. My cynical self has this undeniable feeling that this movie is nothing more than fodder for an older audience which Hollywood is realizing is bigger than they expected. The problems this movie has could have been fixed if the writer had simply realized the logical physical limitations placed on it and bravely encountered those head on. I'm not interested in the man who made it back from the top of Everest, I'm fascinated by the man who got stuck halfway. Limitations and struggles make men what they are and remain as the basis of the human condition. The elimination of those limitations, in this case by means of digital effects, renders the struggle meaningless.

The Bucket List is a nice and interesting movie and I hope is is successful, but to be honest, it is subject to laziness. Rent it.