Assorted Crackers Were Never So Hot

Many of you were not present at my New Years Eve party, and I did take it personally. VERY personally.
But it's cool with me. I just don't know how you could live now with seeing THIS:

Yeah. That. You're probably all like, "I don't even know what that is but my head is exploding just like that guy from Scanners!! NOOO! BOOSH!" Well, THAT, my friend is my makeshift New Years Eve ball, hoisted over my neighbors tree up the hill behind my house.
When I say makeshift, I mean it's composed entirely of Christmas lights wrapped around each other.

What I failed to realize is that hundreds upon hundreds of lights wrapped around each other quickly become hotter than the sun itself.

Luckily it's cold enough for the ball not to melt into one giant heap of plastic. So now all my neighbors can bask in the incandescent glow of electrical sex. Beautiful.

But this is where the real meat of this post comes in. The reason it took me so late to post this up is because I've been meaning to stop off at the grocery store and get pictorial evidence depicting something of the utmost importance.
You see, on the night of New Years Eve I realized that my party was missing the one essential ingredient of all parties. That ingredient of course being water crackers.
There's nothing better than a genuine water cracker, made only from the finest water available. You can't get them just anywhere, only in grocery stores and fancy pant stores like Fresh Fields or Crate and Barrel. Don't even think Ikea has them. So I set off to the store in search of them.
I take pride in finding perfect water crackers. It is a food that simply reeks intelligence and fine taste. Just like Grey Poupon. So I held my head high and proudly sported my monocle as I walked past those unsophisticated Ritz crackers.
I surveyed my different options and found the perfect package:

Ah, yes. The assorted pack! That looks delightful! I thought.
But then I looked closer and realized I hit the jackpot.
At first I had to rub my eyes to believe it.
My monocle fell out into my champagne glass and my mouth fell slack.

Look close at that picture.
Do you see it?

Maybe you can decipher this next poorly focused picture:

That's right.

Giant is officially selling "Specialty Ass Cracks."


When I saw this I actually busted out laughing. In the store. While looking at a cracker shelf. Obviously no one understood why. And they understood much less once I came back to take a picture.
Someone out there must have known this would happen. Someone was given the task to print out a sticker for Specialty Ass Cracks and either posted it up unwittingly or waiting for me to find it.
This, my friend, belongs on the internet.

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