CRANK
What's It About?
Jason Statham gets drugged up and in order to survive he needs to keep his adrenaline pumping by causing massive explosions, driving really fast and treating women like objects.
Memorable Quote:
"F#$% YOU! MOTHER F#%&ERS!"
Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:
Jason Statham causes massive explosions, drives really fast and treats women like objects. This movie's sort of like a Rorschach test. On the one hand your date could look at this and see a mindless action movie and totally be into it with you. If so, congratulations, you're dating a psychopath. On the other hand your date could look at this and see it as an exploitative piece of garbage, will take it personally, and immediately yell rape. If so, congratulations, you are a psychopath, stop taking women to bad movies.
The explosions and driving fast are alright. What's not alright are the absurdly low production values, which clearly substitute helicopter camera views for random zoom-ins on the MapQuest web page. That's not a joke. They honestly do that. The sheer number of exploitative sex scenes and gratuitous (and thoroughly unnecessary) semi-nudity, just makes you feel dirty.
Still. It has explosions. So I guess you could do worse...
REQUIEM FOR A DREAM
What's It About?
How great drugs are.
Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:
Drugs really aren't that great. In fact, they appear to turn your life into a living hell before they either kill you, kill everyone you love, or much much worse. The good new is that not everyone dies at the end of this movie, the bad news is that everyone else is left to live in a never ending nightmare. Man, I'm getting depressed just thinking about it.
Your date will hate you for a number of different reasons. If actually watching the movie wasn't so bad, the ending credits will be. This is because one of you will have to say something to close up the evening, and honestly, after this downer, what's the point anyway? Unless the girl happens to find amputated arms and drugged out sex slaves romantic, I really don't know what to say.
Still, it is artistically and stylistically beautiful, so you definitely could do worse.
NAKED LUNCH
What's It About?
Huh. You know what? I have no idea.
Why Your Date Will Hate You Afterwards:
Look at yourself. I don't know how you got a copy of Naked Lunch, nor why you would ever plan to watch it with anyone else. But if that's really your plan you make me sick.
This film is most commonly described as David Cronenbergs adaptation of an "Unfilmable Novel." That's pretty much all you'll get from other reviewers. Personally, I'd say it is a surreal account of the creative process by a seriously deranged and drugged out individual.
It's not a question of "why" your date will hate you, as much as "when" she hates you. Is it when the main protagonist is first interrogated by the over sized talking beetle? Or is it when the phallis-like typewriter rewards it's host's good writing with it's own bodily fluids? Do you know how uncomfortable it was to write that last sentence? Maybe now you might understand an inkling of how uncomfortable it would be to watch this with a loved one.
However, it is an uncompromising adaptation of a literary work. "Just like Pride and Prejudice," you can claim. Yeah. Sure. You sick f#$*.
Speaking of which...
VANITY FAIR and/or BECOMING JANE
What's It About?
I don't know, it's a chick flick. Probably something gay.
Why Your Date Will Hate You:
Vanity Fair and or Becoming Jane is Pride and Prejudice, except it doesn't have the admirable traits of Keira Knightley or being a good movie. As far as I can tell, it pretty much has the same plot and setting as the aforementioned film, yet it manages to be completely unenjoyable at the same time. It's not just unenjoyable to men. It's thoroughly uninteresting to both genders. The movie originally tanked at the box office. Those few individuals that did see it appear to be completely unaware of that due to the fact that they slept through the entire affair. If they did like it, it's because they woke up while a different movie was playing.
Your date will hate you for being so agreeable all the time and just letting her pick out the movie for the night. If you're really unlucky she won't just hate you as much as she'll completely lose all interest in you and forget you exist. Worst case scenario is that she'll go back to her place, watch Pride and Prejudice again to cleans herself of this cinematic filth, and then continue to reinforce themselves of Jane Austen's absurdly unrealistic expectations for men.
GAY.
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
What's It About:
I, I just don't know. Chevy Chase gets pulled over for speeding, and as a result must spend a night in the worst movie ever to exist. F#$%. Holy F#$%, this is bad.
Why Your Date Will Hate You:
This. Is the worst movie. It's not the worst movie ever. It goes beyond that. There is not a more unpleasant experience than Nothing but Trouble. As the title itself explains, this film will bring nothing but ruin to you and your household. Don't ever tell me you've seen a worse movie. You're wrong. This is it. If I, or anyone else, makes any list involving the "worst" movie of any kind, this is on it. If you don't see it, the author left it out because it's TOO BAD to even be listed.
You might see this movie at the very bottom of the Wall Mart bargain bin and say, "Hey! Look at this! Chevy Chase? Dan Aykroyd? John Candy? HOW COULD I LOSE?!" Do you really want to know? Do you really need me to describe Dan Aykroyd in character? Specifically his character as a decrepit hundred+ old man, with a synthetic nose that occasionally changes it's appearance into the shape of a bulbous phallus? DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO EXPLAIN THAT? Maybe I should go into describing the massive, fat, overgrown babies (also played by Aykroyd) covered in some gelatinous liquid. No. No, I couldn't. Maybe I should describe the late John Candy dressed up as an overweight mute woman. No. It should all be forgotten. This pseudo-comedic movie is a black mark upon the annals of history.
This film is the only one on this list proven to be harmful to relationships:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102558/board/nest/94538480
So there you have it. The five worst movies from various genres you could see on a date. Say what you want, I really don't think you could do worse, at all. Just steer clear of these and you're in the clear.
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