Legacy of the dead bunny

NEWCOTT: Legacy of the dead bunny
Chimes Opinions Article - 10/22/09

I have yet to explain to my roommates why exactly there's a dead bunny in the shoebox in our freezer, but I assume the less I say about it the better. Had this happened a year ago I probably would have used it as an opportunity to ward off my old roommate Jon from eating all my food, possibly along with a cryptic note written in newspaper clippings saying "You'll keep your PAWS off my bagel bites, if you know what's good for you." This time it's more out of necessity until my fiance's roommate finds a good time for a burial.

The problem I have had to come to terms with is that there's never a good time to have a burial, much less to remind someone else to have a burial, especially for their adorable dead bunny. No one wants to get a phone call in the middle of a romantic dinner to take care of the furry long-eared Popsicle that I've jammed behind the Eggo waffles. If only I had been fortunate enough to be responsible for the remains of someone's dead possum or pony, a bunny though? It's a sick world we're living in.

Beth and her friends gave the bunny to Claire on her 23rd birthday. Being a dwarf rabbit, the bunny was twice as cute as any ordinary bunny due to its small size and girlish charm, kind of like a Nintendo DS. The fact that she was so fresh from the pet store made her arrival all the more special. This, I suspect, must have driven our former dwarf bunny Johnson mad with jealousy. Could he have been the one to cause our new animal friend to meet her untimely demise? The evidence is inconclusive, especially seeing that I found the bunny stiff as a log in a very relaxed pose, but was it too relaxed? Only Johnson and our cat Geogie could ever know for sure.

Georgie is perhaps just as much a suspect as anyone. After an in depth research involving reading someone else's question on Yahoo Answers, cats apparently have the ability to hypnotize bunnies, to death. That's right, cats can literally kill other animals with their minds. That is messed up.

Whatever the case, now the bunny serves as the constant little reminder in the back of my mind, be it when I'm getting groceries or running to the bank, that death is all around us. Every moment I go to grab a Sunny D I hear its lifeless heart beating from behind the freezer door, it's cuddly paws clutching at my conscience. Every so often, I grab its cold body in my hands and am just inches from running out the door when I remind myself that I'll probably forget about it at some point in the afternoon and leave it's frozen body to defrost in the boiling interior of my car, most likely only to find it later among the possibly hundreds of other snacks, drinks, and animals I've left in my car earlier that week. The circle of life continues.

It's times like these that I'm glad my body won't be left in a college students refrigerator after I die, or at least I desperately hope not. Really makes you think. Now that the bunny has found her way to frollick on the giant carrot in the sky, she doesn't have to worry about what she left behind, and neither will we when it's time for us to go to our own respective giant carrots. It's down here that we have the problem letting go. Life's a fragile thing.

The Age Old Debate: Mc Donalds Vs. Burger King

There are numerous debates of which I am sure will continue raging until the end of days. SNES Vs. Genesis. Halo Vs. Goldeneye. Ashley Vs. Mary-Jane. Yet despite what we think, surprisingly not all debates have anything to do with video games or creepy twins. Sometimes all we really want to know is the best place to grab a burger, and with this in mind we face the greatest dilemma of all. Mc Donalds Vs. Burger King

Round One:

Food Quality

When it comes to the hierarchy of food quality in fast food chains, establishments such as the two in question automatically rank lower than the vast majority. Yet some places still manage to debunk this trend.



However, Mc Donalds and Burger King still fall short of the bar set by Wendy's and Arby's. Yes, sometimes there is a sudden craving for fries, or a specific dessert, but when push comes to shove you generally don't "want" to go to either one. You just end up eating there because you don't want to spend a lot of money or drive somewhere else. As a matter of fact, the only reason you eat at these places is because you want everything else. Unfortunately you can't have everything else because you're too stubborn to save money by only eating at these type of places. So here you are with only two options.

When it comes to hamburgers, Burger King somewhat manages to live up to it's name. Whereas with Mc Donalds you get a soggy patty that looks like it was just used as a makeshift Brillo pad in the mens room, at Burger King you get a barely satisfying piece of meat that appears to have actually been touched by an open flame. It's a tad juicy too, which in this case is a good thing.
Unfortunately, just about everything else is less than sub-par.
Mc Donalds wins this by openly ignoring everything about hamburgers and focusing mainly on the supporting food groups. Such as vegetables. Their salads are actually quite good, and for those who hate eating healthy, you can get a salad with fried chicken and bacon. Oh, but wait. Those salads are like six bucks. That's not cool. I could go to subway for that much.
Oh, the irony. Mc Donalds has better quality foods which are maddeningly more expensive. With this in mind they might as well not even exist. Sigh.

Winner:

Burger King



You're better off sticking with the dollar menu. Ah the dollar menu, when have you failed me?

Round Two:



Value for your Buck

This brings us to the most important factor. Monetary value. I want to know that my dollar is going to the best use.
Mc Donalds wins this hands down. For three bucks I can get an iced tea the size of my face, a double cheeze burger, and fries. That's a meal fit for a king.
Meanwhile, the only thing you can get at Burger King is LIES with a Coke, and even then you'll owe a buck twenty five. Most of the stuff on the dollar menu isn't even a dollar. It's like, a dollar and... something cents. I'M NOT PAYING THAT. One buck. That's all I got.
It looks like this "Burger King" needs a Robin Hood! HAhahahaha. Did you see what I did there?

Winner:

Mc Donalds




Round Three:

Tie Breaker: Healthiest

This is the most difficult test imaginable. After all, who really knows how healthy this crap is? I mean, I don't even think scientists have figured it out yet. And they're smart.
Most people would attempt to argue about the calorie intake fat consumption blah blah blah. I'm a simple man. I don't really care what this stuff is as long as after it's gone I'm not hungry anymore and I'm not dead.
So I'm going to take a different approach.

Tie Breaker: Which Food Chain Am I More Likely To Get Shot/Stabbed At?

This most definitely goes to Burger King, the only food chain I am legitimately afraid to visit.
Here's how to test it. go up to the nearest person and ask them how to get to a Mc Donalds. They'd probably say, "Oh yeah, just head up the street, take a left at the Subway and you'll see it on the corner."
Now go up to the same person and ask how to get to Burger King. They'd probably say something along the lines of, "Oh, man, um, really? You Sure? Okay, well go down the street. You'll see this crazy homeless guy who'll yell something about Vietnam. Yeah, you're going to have to crawl through his "home," which in reality is actually a pile of moldy boxes. On the other side you'll see a cop. Stab him in the side and whisper something in his ear. Then take a right down the dark alley and give the guy outside a stolen boombox."
That really is the only way to get to a Burger King. Trust me. Getting out is a LOT tougher. Expect the worst.

So yeah, Mc Donalds is the healthier choice considering you won't have a bullet inbedded in your shoulder. Doctors agree that bullets are medically proven to be detrimental to your health, so you should stick with Mc D's.

Winner Overall:

Mc Donalds

New Song for the Week - Ode to Cloverfield

Yep, another week, another song. I felt like making a little diddy for Cloverfield, you know, because it was so awesome. So here it is. Download it here, or just scroll on down and listen to it there. Either one works.
In other news I just watched that movie "It's All Gone Pete Tong" (I netflixed it) and must say it's great. Not Cloverfield great, but hey, what is? But really though, it's really well made and also made me want to listen to way more mashups. I'd recommend it.
Here's a depressing bit of information, I start classes today. So if you have any means to cheer me up please use them immediately.