LOST (in Portland)

Chimes Article
Zachary Newcott

Somewhere between an anonymous dark forest road and another anonymous dark forest road, Beth and I got lost. After seeing the words “Free” and “Vanity” on craigslist, we both decided we needed to take a drive out into the great unknown and pick up some furniture. Although I had no concept of what a vanity set could possibly be used for, I thought it could at least hold a television and maybe store a few drinks inside, so I thought the trip would be worth it.

The road took us out into the wilderness of Oregon, which for me meant anything that wasn’t near a 7-Eleven. After not seeing said 7-Eleven for several miles I knew we were doomed. Our GPS had died long ago due to the fact that I once attempted to plug in a laptop, a toaster, and an aquarium to our cigarette lighter, and with only a written post-it note with Google Maps directions written on it I was possibly better off navigating by the stars. Being only able to recognize the Little Dipper, we were stuck with only our God given sense of direction.

If anyone wants to see me at my most frantic state all they have to do is join me while I’m behind the wheel of an automobile. Every parallel parking incident is a fierce battle as I frequently find myself in a predicament that can only be solved by numerous reversals and wheel turns. The secret I have come to realize is vigorously pumping the brakes again and again. It is a technique that has seldom let me down with the exception of the time I briefly turned the wrong way down a one way street.

In this case Beth and I decided it would be best to go as far as we could estimate before turning around and trying again. After we found ourselves crossing a bridge over what was marked as the “Pudding River,” I began to question my own sanity. Had we somehow crossed over into an alternate dimension consisting entirely of the game Candyland? The truth is out there.

Damn you Lord Licorice!

Turning around once again we found ourselves back on track, and having realized we just past our destination we turned around once again. Having recently watched the film “Jeepers Creepers,” neither Beth and I knew what we would find, although we did expect a monster of sorts who would perhaps attempt to snatch my peepers. Instead I was pleased to be greeted by a man in his pajamas who had simply assumed we were in some sort of horrible accident. Although we arrived roughly around midnight, he told us that the vanity set was ours for the taking.

I soon realized that a vanity set had little use in playing video games, but the success of finding it made the victory no less sweeter. It was certain to be the first of many occasions in which Beth and I would become lost in our new hometown as we set out again to find a church, a dirty old couch, or another dirty old couch, but in the experience of searching I learned that it is up to the journey to define the destination. Even if it takes leaving all known 7-Elevens to come across something you might not have even been looking for, in the process you’ll find a confidence in exploring the unknown.

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