I invite you to close your eyes and imagine, if you will, using the basement toilet at my Dad's house. It's been a long night. You've been stuck in the house all day feeling sick to your stomach, hopped up on several tablespoons of childrens Tylenol, and eating nothing but saltines. At times like these you need to sit back and appreciate the finer things in life. Relax. Enjoy. Just let your body do all the work and oh my GOD WHAT IS THAT?!

Don't let the picture fool you. That is most certainly the biggest spider I have ever seen outside of a cage or horror movie. Don't believe me? Here, let me post a picture that will on your computer monitor (given that you don't wear a monocle and smoke hundred dollar bills like cigars) provide our spider friend a more life-like scale image.


Yes, it's lucky I saw this while on the toilet, since it literally scared the crap out of me. However, leaving the bathroom became a suddenly strenuous affair as I attempted to quietly jump up onto the toilet and edge my way out of the bathroom door. Did I imagine it suddenly leaping towards my face and making a hissing sound? Yes. Did I also consider yelling for my sick wife to come downstairs and kill it? Also yes. When it all comes down to it though, the most important thing is that I closed the basement door and shoved several towels between the cracks to ensure that whatever evil is locked away, stays locked away.


john said...

Dude,another missed opportunity to prove your manhood.It is probably still trapped in the bathroom,time to cowboy up,put on whatever protective equipment you feel is necessary and kill that spider.....it should make an audible popping sound when you smash it,COOOOOOOLLL!!

Peter Greene said...

What?! Feel your stomach? Slap me stupid! Go to a physician promptly