Dear Jane Austen, You Suck.

So I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday, in the romance section as always, and I couldn't help noticing something peculiar. It seemed that every book I looked at was the exact same. I thought, surely Zack, this can't possible be! Verily I tell you, It was!
Now, I understand. Some people like the same authors. Some people even like the same books. What I have come to realize are these facts:

1. All women love Jane Austen

2. All women love Pride and Prejudice

3. All women are in love with Mr. Darcy

4. I am not Mr. Darcy.

These statements are all logically sound. Every woman really does love Jane Austen, and as a result, will spend the rest of their lives in pursuit of a fictional male character. I know what you would say, there must be exceptions to this rule. Right now I'll tell you, there aren't. I know this because I have previously learned rule number 5, all women are lying. You better be writing this down.
So if you don't believe me when I say every book was the same, let me supply you with a small fraction of books I came across:

There are literally HUNDREDS of these with varying titles.

Now, I'm going to come under attack for this. I know that. But being the first man to stumble across this vast network of a romantic novel conspiracy, the truth must be revealed.
Every girl book ever written IS Pride and Prejudice.
That's it. It's the same exact novel, cut and pasted, word for word. We just never realized this because the books bored the crap out of us. Heck, I don't think girls even know what it's about. It's like a virus, once exposed they are forced to re-read (and rewrite) the same book over and over again. Still don't believe me? Rent Vanity Fair. There. Told you. Same friggin story. Some women try to get creative and paste the chapters in a different order.
Nice try women, but you can't pull the wool over MY eyes.
Here's a little novel I decided to write:

BOOM. Instant bestseller.


Esther said...

I can definitely understand how you came upon such a conclusion Zack, and in so far as you have explained it, I would agree . . . except for the fact that I am one of the (albeit few and far between) true Pride and Prejudice lovers that actually loves Jane Austen's writing style MORE than Mr. Darcy. . . . I know, shocking.
Firstly, I'd like to see how many of our lovely young obsessors have actually read Jane Austen, BEFORE, watching Pride and Prejudice (and for the record, anyone that fell in love with Jane Austen over the most recent version of Pride and Prejudice with Kiera Knightly is NOT a Jane Austen fan!!!! These are the one's that are in love with just another romance.)
Secondly, Jane Austen should not only be appreciated for her creation of Mr. Darcy (who is a great character) but should mostly be heralded for her ability to humble any character with a charming and deathly wit. Her character development and sass make her books more comedy than romance . . .but that means you have to be someone that can read Victorian writing style and understand it well enough to get the jokes.
Anyway, there's my two cents.
Seriously, I'm ashamed of this same phenomenon, not because it's just another romance, but because it's NOT just another romance.

Brittany said...

I agree with most of what Esther said. I love Jane Austin and all her books not just Pride and Prejudge. Pride and Prejudice is not my favorite Austin book and as much as I love Mr. Darcy he is not my favorite male character...yep he's not! I think most of the books you came across are jokes that aren’t worth reading. They will never be able to stand up to Jane Austin’s work. Just had to say this since Jane Austin is my favorite author and I think you are treating her a little harshly.

dactyl said...

um wow... and utterly hilarious.

i AM one of those women that have been reading austen since infancy (however P&P is NOT my favorite), but i'm still laughing at you. i mean... with you.

Dominic said...

This article is great, and the response from women is typical.

I said something summarily similar to Zack's comments posted here last night among mixed company. Big mistake. I received murderous glares from the 3 women who heard it all night. But of course . . . how dare I insult the amazing writing of Jane Austen.

Except that she's a mediocre writer at best. That's right, mediocre. At best. See what I did there? It's called repeating the same thing, which is what she has done in all of her books, as Zack's blog here has accurately reported.
Great writer's do not do that. Popular writers do, which I can assure you, is to make them money. That's right ladies! You've been had! You've bought into a writer who has basically just engaged in a career of fan service and called it fine literature.

Methinks not.