Dear Jane Austen, You Suck.

So I was in Barnes and Noble yesterday, in the romance section as always, and I couldn't help noticing something peculiar. It seemed that every book I looked at was the exact same. I thought, surely Zack, this can't possible be! Verily I tell you, It was!
Now, I understand. Some people like the same authors. Some people even like the same books. What I have come to realize are these facts:

1. All women love Jane Austen

2. All women love Pride and Prejudice

3. All women are in love with Mr. Darcy

4. I am not Mr. Darcy.

These statements are all logically sound. Every woman really does love Jane Austen, and as a result, will spend the rest of their lives in pursuit of a fictional male character. I know what you would say, there must be exceptions to this rule. Right now I'll tell you, there aren't. I know this because I have previously learned rule number 5, all women are lying. You better be writing this down.
So if you don't believe me when I say every book was the same, let me supply you with a small fraction of books I came across:











There are literally HUNDREDS of these with varying titles.

Now, I'm going to come under attack for this. I know that. But being the first man to stumble across this vast network of a romantic novel conspiracy, the truth must be revealed.
Every girl book ever written IS Pride and Prejudice.
That's it. It's the same exact novel, cut and pasted, word for word. We just never realized this because the books bored the crap out of us. Heck, I don't think girls even know what it's about. It's like a virus, once exposed they are forced to re-read (and rewrite) the same book over and over again. Still don't believe me? Rent Vanity Fair. There. Told you. Same friggin story. Some women try to get creative and paste the chapters in a different order.
Nice try women, but you can't pull the wool over MY eyes.
Here's a little novel I decided to write:



BOOM. Instant bestseller.