The Great Not-Valentines Day Plan

Biola Chimes Article


Love. It’s all around me. From the flocks of friendly cats wandering the neighborhoods, to the scary man I just saw on the subway who threatened a fellow pedestrian for casually brushing by him, it seems everyone is catching a wiff of the same thing, and no, I don’t mean the smell of my cat Georgie’s litter box. Everyone is catching the old “kissing disease,” which is what I usually call any disease someone catches. Except this time thankfully it’s not leukemia, it’s actually the Valentines Day jitters.

For some special people, Valentines Day is one to be cherished and looked forward to. Those special people however can range from uncomfortably affectionate lovers who treat each other with public oil massages in the park, to downright terrifying people who surprise their special someone with personalized billboards, skywriting, and/or by kidnapping them and placing them in a situation not unlike Hannibal Lecter. I’m not one to judge. Personally, I’m counting my blessings this year that my fiancee has completely forgotten about Valentines Day altogether.

“Good thing I remembered all that stuff you told me to do for the big day coming up,” I told her, with a phone poised in my hand. “I made so many plans I can’t even remember all of them! Oh so many plans! What were they supposed to be again?”

“What day?” She responded. “Is something coming up?”

Thinking quick, not unlike a fox, I responded by saying, “I mean... What?” And then ran away.

Yes, some might argue that may only mean she has so much more to look forward to when I surprise her this Valentines Day morning with her cat dipped in white chocolate and encrusted with diamonds. Sure, such surprises have their joys, but just think of the joy I can bring to her by giving her a day full of so much deception that she’ll be unable to ever understand what holiday is currently occurring for everyone else. So very much joy, I say.

My plan is so simple really. All I have to do is disable her internet connection to keep her off Facebook, then isolate her from her friends, perhaps by distracting them with Valentine’s Day gifts of their own. Then all that’s left is to print my own personalized version of the morning newspaper and replace the headline to something along the lines of “It’s Not Valentines Day.” After that, it’s clear sailing, as long as I can keep her from going to the grocery store and can easily convince her that the Valentines Day parade we run into is actually for returning astronauts. It’s almost too easy.

All this I am willing to do for her. Nay, for love. And also for me. But love mostly. Sort of.

Shhh. Don’t speak.

Finally, to complete my deception of love, I ask that all of the Chimes readers join in by quickly lowering their heart-shaped balloons and tossing their boxes of chocolates into a nearby shrub as my fiancee passes by. Remember everyone, now that I forgot to make those dinner reservations Beth told me to make two months ago, we’re all in this together. There’s no backing out now.

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!