Balloon Animals

I have an Asian Civilization Midterm this Tuesday, so naturally I've been playing Half-Life 2 nonstop.
There might be some people out there, MAYBE, who have never heard of Half-Life 2 or even known there was a Half-Life 1. (I know there are, I've met them.) There also might be a lot of other people out there that definitely, most certainly, have heard about Half-Life and talk about it incessantly. I used to be in the former category. I was the kind of person who heard about the video-game Half-Life and said, "Ha! A gravity gun?! Absurd! Preposterous! How dare you insinuate that I need to play such mindless drivel! Now if you'd excuse me, I have a desktop tower I need to defend!" I'd exclaim while adjusting my monocle.
Well, I gave in. I literally traded up for The Orange Box. And I must say, it is worth every second of my life wasted.

Obviously, there are drawbacks to such a video-game addiction. This of course being paranoia, acute schizophrenia, and mild seizures. The game can get pretty intense. There's a lot of monsters that need some killing and after fighting off these mutant-insect-crimesagainstnature-beasties, I can be a little bit easy to scare.
This became clear to me last night.
You see, there are these monsters in the game called barnacles. They look like this:

What they do is latch onto you with their long slimy tongues and pull you up into their gaping mouths where their razor sharp teeth bore into your flesh.
I had just finished playing and was thirsty after such an incredibly intense gaming session (I'm really intense), so I walked into the kitchen to grab a cup.
Suddenly, I stopped.
There was something on my shoulder, caught on my sleeve. Out of the corner of my eye I saw it, long and vertically extended up to the ceiling. Looking up, I saw a black mass above me, looking back with a fiery intensity I thought I had only seen in my nightmares.
Bravely, I exclaimed, "Oh Frick! HOLY FRICK!" And jumped back.
Getting a better view I saw the demon for what it truly was:

Needless to say, I gave that balloon a crowbar bashing like no other.

Dating Advice From The Z-Man, #1

The Z-man was wiped after Valentine's Day, but he's back now and he wants to share the love. Here's one of his most valuable dating secrets passed down through all the Z-men before him.

One From The Vault - The Time Machene

Here's an older-ish cartoon I made with my roommate. Critically acclaimed in seven nations, none of which you've ever heard of.
It's called the Time Machene and if you'd like me to lecture you on the intricacies of the space-time continuum, I already have.

You're All Mime

Oh, great. Just great. I learned this weekend that apparently if anyone plays the guitar while talking they're automatically ripping off Flight Of the Conchords. I don't know how they managed to claim that one for their own, but they did, just like anyone who stands up while telling jokes is copying Demetri Martin.
So I'm sorry guys. Apparently I just can't be creative anymore. So I've decided to revamp the blog and just do what everyone else on the internet is doing. Adding captions to pictures found off flickr.
Congratulations everyone. From now on The Awkward Unicorn will be the official birthplace of LOL Mimes, or what I like to call Mime Memes!



With your help the Mime Memes can be as prolific as the I Can Haz Cheezeburger Cat, or the Walrus Bukkit!





One thing I have learned through all this is that I actually really like mimes. These videos are some of the most awesome I've ever seen:







Will I ever become a Mime? Only time can tell. Until then, I definitely would like to meet one.

New Song Saturday

I guess it's technically not a song, but here it is. I couldn't really think of any lyrics this week. I was busy failing French tests at school:

This Is A Photo Of Me Failing My French Test

So instead of actually studying French I instead made this little number.
Did you know that douche is French for shower? Neither did I. And now I have to think of a new insult. Anyways, this song is about a guy who is a total French shower. It's called Frenching because I couldn't think of anything better.

This Is A Photo Of Me Thinking of This Song

Listen to it here or at the bottom of the page:
Frenching - Zack Newcott and the Chemical Cow

Ten Reasons Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm sick and tired of all these top ten lists that sites like Cracked.com and some other example use to attract visitors. It's sick. Twisted. You want a top ten list? Do you? Good. I'll give you a top ten list. I'll give it to you straight at the face.



I'll give you ten good reasons why I otta punch you straight in the kisser right now. Here they are: thumb, pointer, index, ring, and pinky... and then the exact same five reasons but again on my other hand. Those are the only reasons I need, but whoop-dee-do for you. Apparently those reasons don't count twice. Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter that I am fully capable of punching you straight in the noggin as it is, I guess I have to come up with five new additional reasons right off the bat. I bet you think that's really frustrating for me, don't you? Well good news.

Reason #1 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm Frustrated.

That's the first reason I have to punch you straight in the teeth. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I'm a frustrated ball of angry energy looking for one thing and one thing only, to punch you straight in the neck/face. I'll do it too. Say whatever you want, I'll come at you like a bear. A really small bear with thin arms. Oh, what's that you say? I can't hurt you? Well good news, PUNK. You just made my list.

Reason #2 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Can't Hurt You

Your point was well founded and true, FOOL. Sure I'm going to punch you in the face, but it'll feel less like a dump-truck filled with explosive Steven Seagal's and more like a slight breeze on a cool summer's day. You'll look down and I'll be there with a bruised fist and look of defiance. But that won't stop me. I may be weak, but I'm going to keep punching you in the face because that's what I was born to do.

Reason #3 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Was Born To Do It

My entire life has lead up to this moment. My fist has been on a crash course, straight to your nose. And my fist wasn't wearing a safety belt, so it's gonna keep on going until your eyes explode in two huge fireballs because that's what might happen if I punched you in the face really fast. I don't know how it got that fast. Maybe my fist was irresponsible and drunk while driving it home, to your face. What's that? That comment was insulting to your intelligence?

Reason #4 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm Insulting To Your Intelligences

I don't care how smart you are, my fists have two brains of their own. I call them knuckles, and you won't be so smart after they shake all that information out your brain through your face. My fists are like two giant televisions with American Idol on. You'll feel dumber afterwards. One moment you'll be looking at my fists and the next you'll be feeling sorry for some desperate Asian guy who can't sing very well. That's right. My fists will embarrass you in the face. That's what they do best.

Reason #5 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Tend To Avoid Confrontations

And you keep saying I should remedy that. But how? Oh, I know. With a punch straight between the eyes.


So there you have it. All the reasons I need to punch you straight in the facial region. I'll get around to it sometime. I don't know when. Soon, I think. Just don't let your guard down. One of these days I'll come up behind you and then somehow end up in front of you to punch you in the face. I can do it. I will. Just wait.

Semi-Pro - Movie Review

I once heard of a man who could tell you, without thinking, exactly where he was on any given date in his life. Only in my nightmares would I dream of having that gift, have someone walk up to me, ask "Hey Zack, where were you on Valentines Day night 2008?" and then be forced to respond with a mumbled "semiproscreening" with a loud cough to cover it up. No, I didn't have a date. Apparently girls have better things to do on Valentines day other than watch a Will Farrell movie with me. Like boyfriends. Or makeup or something.
Who am I kidding, they were probably at a different screening.
*sigh.
What? Oh yeah, the movie. It's a Will Farrell movie, except rated R. So basically it's Dodgeball with swearwords and a basketball. Other than the foul language, I really don't see why they thought going unrestricted would help the film reach it's targeted audience. All the best jokes here are the cleanest in the movie, and I have no doubt you've probably seen parts of them in the previews while watching movies with your own girlfriends in the soft comfort of their enclosed arms as they wrap themselves around your neck and whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

...

Sorry, I was somewhere else for a second. The movie has it's fair share of problems. The most obvious is the ironic notion that it clearly doesn't want to just be another Will Farrell movie. In some ways I consider this almost admirable. After all, I think the world is getting sick of all the Old School rip offs. However, the film only truly shines when it occasionally glimpses into Will Farrells wacky gimmicks as the team promoter. There are some really funny bits here. Particularly one involving a bear. The rest of the time the film focuses on the character played by Woody Harrelson, an emotionally torn basketball veteran playing the sport he loves. His performance is really quite good, but unfortunately there's really no reason for it. People paid to see an R rated Will Farrell movie, not Coach Carter.
Actually, come to think of it, I don't think anyone paid to see Coach Carter.
The film is splintered between innocent fun, crude humor, comedy, and tragedy. None of it really manages to ignite that spark we have all so longed to experience. No, my friends, there's no love for Semi Pro, just a hollow shell where there once was a heart. It'll never feel the soft caress of a womans hand across his face as he pulls her close to his waist, looks down into her eyes and whispers "Now. And forever!" For their love was one that reality denied. A sweeping shadow in the east, waiting to be obliterated by the rising sun. For they could chase that sunrise all they wanted, but the ever-receding horizon is but a tease to the senses, a dream upon waking. But is that any reason not to dream? Is that any reason not to love?! Certainly not. Just as they say passion is a flame that burns eternal, love is like that ember that promises to ignite another day! Oh lonelyness, you cruel muse!

Cool. Right. So Semi Pro is an okay movie, not quite worth ten bucks to see, but still worth a place on a Netflix.
Until next time, my love. Until next time.