Ten Reasons Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm sick and tired of all these top ten lists that sites like Cracked.com and some other example use to attract visitors. It's sick. Twisted. You want a top ten list? Do you? Good. I'll give you a top ten list. I'll give it to you straight at the face.

I'll give you ten good reasons why I otta punch you straight in the kisser right now. Here they are: thumb, pointer, index, ring, and pinky... and then the exact same five reasons but again on my other hand. Those are the only reasons I need, but whoop-dee-do for you. Apparently those reasons don't count twice. Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter that I am fully capable of punching you straight in the noggin as it is, I guess I have to come up with five new additional reasons right off the bat. I bet you think that's really frustrating for me, don't you? Well good news.

Reason #1 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm Frustrated.

That's the first reason I have to punch you straight in the teeth. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I'm a frustrated ball of angry energy looking for one thing and one thing only, to punch you straight in the neck/face. I'll do it too. Say whatever you want, I'll come at you like a bear. A really small bear with thin arms. Oh, what's that you say? I can't hurt you? Well good news, PUNK. You just made my list.

Reason #2 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Can't Hurt You

Your point was well founded and true, FOOL. Sure I'm going to punch you in the face, but it'll feel less like a dump-truck filled with explosive Steven Seagal's and more like a slight breeze on a cool summer's day. You'll look down and I'll be there with a bruised fist and look of defiance. But that won't stop me. I may be weak, but I'm going to keep punching you in the face because that's what I was born to do.

Reason #3 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Was Born To Do It

My entire life has lead up to this moment. My fist has been on a crash course, straight to your nose. And my fist wasn't wearing a safety belt, so it's gonna keep on going until your eyes explode in two huge fireballs because that's what might happen if I punched you in the face really fast. I don't know how it got that fast. Maybe my fist was irresponsible and drunk while driving it home, to your face. What's that? That comment was insulting to your intelligence?

Reason #4 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I'm Insulting To Your Intelligences

I don't care how smart you are, my fists have two brains of their own. I call them knuckles, and you won't be so smart after they shake all that information out your brain through your face. My fists are like two giant televisions with American Idol on. You'll feel dumber afterwards. One moment you'll be looking at my fists and the next you'll be feeling sorry for some desperate Asian guy who can't sing very well. That's right. My fists will embarrass you in the face. That's what they do best.

Reason #5 for Why I Otta Punch You In The Face

I Tend To Avoid Confrontations

And you keep saying I should remedy that. But how? Oh, I know. With a punch straight between the eyes.

So there you have it. All the reasons I need to punch you straight in the facial region. I'll get around to it sometime. I don't know when. Soon, I think. Just don't let your guard down. One of these days I'll come up behind you and then somehow end up in front of you to punch you in the face. I can do it. I will. Just wait.

No comments: