Yoga Bear

Yoga Bear

All I know about Yoga is what I’ve seen in movies. I think there’s one with Josh Hartnett where he plays a Yoga instructor. Maybe that’s why I signed up. I wouldn’t mind being Josh Hartnett. Kind of. I did really like Wicker Park, although I don’t think anyone else saw it. But that would be cool. I could be the Josh Hartnett of yoga class. Cool.
Wait.
No. Who’s that? That guy is definitely way more attractive than I am.
Damn.
Why is he taking a yoga class? He already looks yoga’ed out. Only average guys like me and incredibly attractive girls with low standards should be able to take yoga classes.
What am I supposed to do here? People are sitting on the floor. I’ll put my books down, that’s the first thing to do.
They don’t have shoes on. I’ll take my shoes off too.
Now what?
Man, I probably should have been here for the first class. It’s not good for me to just jump into things like this. I have no idea what to expect. I did take a semester of karate though. That should help. Karate’s like yoga, right? Yeah, Asians do both.
My teacher looks like a yoga teacher. Actually, she looks more like someone who would only talk a lot about doing yoga consistently. I would imagine her to be like the “new-age” obsessed lady that has just moved into a neighborhood and brags about her amazing lotus position while she has a lit cigarette hanging from her mouth. Except nicer.
Okay, the teacher is telling me to grab a mat and an eye pillow. What’s an eye pillow?
That can’t be what I imagine it to be.
I’ll just wait for everyone else to grab their stuff and then grab one myself.
Okay, so an eye pillow is like a really small beanbag. That’s cool.
This mat smells like feet.
Alright, so everyone’s rolling it out. I’ll roll it out too. And now I’ll sit down.
Okay, now she’s telling us to lie back.
Should I use the eye pillow now or should I wait? I’ll wait.
Can yoga people smoke? Is that against a creed or something? I bet those monks in Tibet smoke it up, or use incense or something.
Oooh, the lights are dimming. It should always be like this. I don’t even know why fluorescent lights were ever invented. I can’t think of anything that has benefited from fluorescent lighting.
There’s one last light shining right into my face. It’s weird to stare up at the ceiling. I’m going to imagine that the ceiling is the floor. That would complicate so many things. I’d have to reach up for doorknobs and jump over air vents.
Oh everyone has put the eye pillow over their eyes. THAT’S why it’s called an eye pillow! Of course, it all makes sense now.
Okay, the teacher’s talking. I have to pay attention. She’s saying that I need to clear my mind. Alright. Done.
I need to leave behind my city, my home, the people inside my home.
That’s cool. I do that all the time.
She’s telling me that this is not a selfish act, but a self-LESS act.
You know, I’m really not sure about all that, but whatever.
She says that I must undergo the process of making my mind still. To abide in that place of “being.” That place of being. That place of being. I hope this won’t be an exam question.
You are not your mind.
Then what am I? Oh, wait, I shouldn’t ask that. That’s what they want you to ask, mentally, I mean.
The soul. Right. The soul.
She’s saying I’m a prisoner of the mind. We all are.
I’m reminded of that French guy, jean-somethingorother, the editor of Elle magazine, who was stuck inside his head after having a stroke. Locked in. if that guy had a montra he could have been the best yoga-ist in the world. You know, apart from the stroke and all.
She’s saying I must restrain the mental modifications of the mind. In this case the mental modifications are thoughts.
My eyes are closed and I know I should be focusing, but I can’t for some reason. Maybe I don’t want to.
She is saying that I must leave behind my anger, that anger connects me to the obstacles of this world. She says that anger leads to fear and this fear leads to pain.
Didn’t Yoda say the same thing? Yeah, yeah he did. I bet George Lucas stole that from Josh Hartnett, that guy knows his yoga.
She says I must confront this pain.
Remember when Yoda did that crazy lightsaber fight? Man that was awesome.
She says that I must decide if I want to accept the pain from others as a part of life. I think. I can’t really focus. I keep thinking of being with friends, of different doors opening and people I know and care about being behind them.
She says to stop your mind from thinking you must go against the nature of the mind, but I don’t know if I want it to stop because for me it’s the only way to be with some of the people I love the most.
She says that I must distance my true self from my mental self.
She says that I must become an observer of the mind.
She says that only as an observer can I achieve true enlightenment.
And I wonder how well I’m doing.