Day One - Cover Yourself in Axe Day
Showers take time and are known for their tendency to leave participants wet and cold. Today realize the potential to be had in bathing yourself in the sweet scent of deodorant to mask the underlying scent of old dairy products.
This age old tradition of covering yourself from head to toe in cologne rather than actually cleaning yourself has been passed down through the ages straight from ancient Italy, where men and women alike would dip their clothes in incense to ward off predators and attract the ladies. It worked then so it must work now.
Day Two - Forget to Shave Again Day
Although it seems that when older men forget to shave they find themselves in possession of a healthy full face of stubble, for the rest of us a few days of forgotten grooming will result in a face full of sporadic hair growth not unlike a dying cactus. On this day remind yourself before not taking a shower to quickly shave before heading out the door, then at lunch time glance into a mirror to realize it's too late in the day to do anything about it. Embrace the fact that the slight mustache on your upper lip makes you an ideal candidate for Dateline's "To Catch a Predator." It's the little things that matter most.
Day Three - Consider Flossing Your Teeth Day
Oh flossing. You're like the girl your parents insisted you take to homecoming even though neither of you were really that much into each other. On this day look at the full roll of floss on your sink and remind yourself how important it is in fighting plaque and the gum disease gingivitis. Nod respectfully before shrugging your shoulders and swearing you'll get to it after shaving.
Day Four - Wait To Shower Day
On this day be sure to get to the shower just after your roommate does. Be sure to grow increasingly frustrated as your roommate relishes the hot Los Angeles water for at least the next thirty minutes. Pound your fist against the door in vain as your pleas for a turn in the bathroom are drowned-out by your roommates need to sing Justin Timberlake as loud as possible. After accepting the fact that you'll be late for Biology, rejoice when the shower finally becomes available for your use. Then give a girlish scream when you feel the cold cold blast of the remaining water your roommate has left for you.
Day Five - Seriously Question Your Towel Day
How long has it been since you washed it? Is it supposed to smell that way? Are those stains part of it's original pattern? Towels can get nasty pretty quick. On this day question whether or not it would be worth the investment to ditch the one you have for one that doesn't make you more dirty than if you had never showered at all.
Day Six - Plumbing Day
By this point just about every pipe in your bathroom will be filled to the brim with hair. On this day consider whether it would be worth your time to clean this out, or just let nature run its natural course. Shrug your shoulders as you spray some windex on it and remind yourself that you at least made some kind of minimal effort to clean up the place. Then carefully tip-toe backwards out of that germ infested stink hole knowing that you are the prime example of collegiate cleanliness.
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