Why Biola Socks

Last night I went to Punk'n Pie. It's an event at my school not unlike a talent show where peoples from far and wide across campus gather together to watch a selected number of performances. There's also pie.
But things took a turn at the half-way point when the folks in charge thought it would be a good opportunity to show us a video depicting Biola's amazing-ness.

Now, I'm sure the people who made this worked really hard, rented their cameras from the production center, and spent countless hours editing. I should also mention that their video is the only one out there that I have seen, and considering that they took the initiative to show how mind-blowingly-kick-ace Biola is I give them props. However, I'm pretty sure everything in this video is exactly what I hate about Biola, and I feel the need to call them out on it. Why? Shut up, that's why.

1. The intro

Oh, I get it. It's a video WITHIN another video! Clearly this places this particular awesome college video on the same level as Shakespeare. As a bonus, we get to see who made the video so that we're able to see them on campus later and punch ourselves in the stomach as a sign of respect. They're hilarious.

2. Football

At Biola people like sports, such as frisbee, which is most definitely a real sport. People also play sports like football. And they play them with their shirts off. You might think this is just to show off to the ladies, but it actually has the added benefit of making guys more aerodynamic so that they can jump out of the camera frame after throwing a ball and pop up in another frame so that they can catch it again. Who needs a team when guys can do stuff like that? This is very common at Biola, a place where every bible/literature/philosophy/film major is completely ripped. Biola is awesome and guys at Biola are hilarious and don't wear shirts.

3. Statistics

We have a certain number of so many things at Biola, and so few other things at Biola, that it makes me want to puke rainbows. Biola has been in La Mirada for 50 years. No one on earth can make that same claim, even though we all know they want to.

4. Editing

Hey, you know how that movie Sin City which was totally awesome a few years ago but suddenly lost some of it's luster when common editing programs became capable of doing similar effects? Yeah, I was thinking, let's make a girl's shirt red.

5. Slip'n'Slide

Biola has a huge Slip'n'Slide that everyone uses all the time. In fact, I slide to class everyday. It's the perfect way to top off a game of shirtless-football.

6. Student Interviews

-"Hey, is this video supposed to be funny or serious?"
"I can't really decide."
-"Well, what if I say something funny, but it's actually kind of supposed to funny in a type of ironic, totally untrue, way? Like I say 'Oh, the Cafeteria here is so delicious' when in reality it can be pretty bad sometimes?"
"Can I take my shirt off again?"

7. Film Majors

"We have so much fun setting up lights and microphones! I can't wait to do this for a living! Biola rocks because I'm able to show so many Biola graduates who have gone on to be really successful in the field they majored in, but I won't because I haven't actually heard of any. Let's talk about Citizen Cane some more and act really friendly despite being threatened by other people. Hey! Slip'n'slide!"

8. More Sports

Because let's face it, no one's coming here to get an education, and everyone who's anyone likes sports.

9. Girl to Guy Ratio

"Sure, all the girls around me are most likely freshmen and pre-engaged, that doesn't change the fact that for every one guy at Biola there are two others who definitely wouldn't want to talk to me anyways!"

10. Ethnicity

"Yeah. Sure... We have a black guy on campus... somewhere..."

11. The Worship Band

Anyone at Biola can be in the worship band! They might need good credentials, be able to sing or play an instrument, follow the Biola contract, really like bland worship songs which may or may not be theologically accurate, but they can certainly stand near the stage.

Oh Biola. I should've made a video. But then again, I can't really think of anything I'd make that would get a wholesome Biola approval while remaining honest or fun to watch. What can you do? Sigh.
Still, the guys who made this did a good job. It's attractive, shiny, and will probably attract an audience, so overall, it's effective.
I just didn't like it.


Matt said...

DUDE... biola rocks!! also how can you have a 30 foot tall Jesus without your facebook profile picture being you sitting on its shoulders?

Zack Newcott said...

too true. I don't even know how I wrote this whole thing without mentioning the infamous 30 foot tall Jesus on campus, let alone not featuring it prominently in my profile. I'm ashamed. Is it still possible to friend the Jesus mural on facebook?

Zack Newcott said...

I hope I'm there when you puke rainbows...