I had been wondering what was on my girlfriend’s mind all week. Something was bothering her. Knowing everything running through my own mind I could only guess what it was. Was it the unsolved mystery of the numbers from “LOST”? Was she frustrated by online matches in “Call of Duty 4?” Perhaps it was the mysterious and slightly disturbing mold growing inside my refrigerator. Thankfully, she informed me of the object of her grief.
Yes. It seems that the actor Michael Cera has a girlfriend.
the happy couple
For some, males specifically, this bit of information would come as no surprise. However, in the case of my girlfriend, this knowledge is the source of much torment. I understood. After all, imagine what it would be like if the most important person in your life cared for someone else.
Michael Cera’s girlfriend is Charlyne Yi, a talented performer, writer and actress who is, my girlfriend would like to add, also completely unfit for him and totally lame. Her upcoming film, “Paper Heart,” features her and Cera side by aside – as lovers should be – instead of driven apart by sub-par actors who star in mediocre “indie” films like “Juno” that people pretend to enjoy.
The frustrating thing about all of this is that Charlyne Yi and I have so much in common. Other than the fact that she’s both Asian and a woman, we share similar qualities in that we both work in comedy; a Google image search shows that we both have a tendency to wear “wacky” bow-ties; and we’re both probably terrible drivers. To top it off, we’re also both haunted by Michael Cera.
I tried to cheer up my girlfriend the best I could by donning the same tiny yellow running shorts and headband Michael Cera wore in the film “Juno,” but she replied with a depressed, “What’s the point? He’s with her now anyway,” and then downed a box of tropical flavored Tic-Tacs while staring pensively out a window.
I wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. So I started to think, ”What would Charlyne Yi do if Michael Cera had a crush on another actress, let’s say Natalie Portman?” It was then that I started to think, maybe killing Michael Cera wasn’t the answer after all. Maybe the answer … is love.
I decided I needed to push my grievances aside and take this problem to the one man every woman alive loves: Mr. Darcy. Certainly there must be some connection between him and the man from episode 16 season two of “Veronica Mars.” After picking up a copy of “Pride and Prejudice” and realizing how thick it is, and then seeing how many DVDs the television series spanned, I looked at the Wikipedia page.
After changing Mr. Darcy’s name to Poopton Smellsworth on the Wikipedia page, I was informed that the man is virtually nothing like Michael Cera whatsoever. In fact, I just hated Mr. Darcy more than ever. Or perhaps I hated to love him? No. No, it was definitely hate.
suck it Poopton Smellsworth
Then it hit me. In many ways my girlfriend is just like Michael Cera. For example they both wear similar shoes and are women. She’s practically his female equivalent. This bit of knowledge settled in, and suddenly I realized: I am in love in Michael Cera. I like Michael Cera so much I would kiss him on the mouth. With this profound revelation, I returned to her. "I know I'll never be the star of ‘Superbad’ or a child actor in the film ‘Frequency,’” I said, “but you'll always be part of my infinite playlist." With this she gave me a knowing nod and took my hand into her own.