I want you to know that at this very moment I'm sitting by my fireplace wearing a silk robe and pouring us two glasses of vintage 1999 sparkling apple cider. That was a good year, but not the best. For you see, this will be the first Valentine's Day I get to celebrate my status as "In a Relationship" on Facebook. I know you're jealous, but here, come sit on my shag carpet as I whisper sweet nothings into your ear. I know the pain of being alone, on this, the finest of all holidays. I know how it is to celebrate the martyrdom of that wise cat Saint Valentine when you're so lonely, and all you want to do is listen to Dashboard Confessional while crying in the shower.
SHHH! Don't speak.
I'm going to level with you. Right here and now. Since I'm already taken by a beautiful lady there's a part of me that wants to point my fingers in your face and say "GOTCHA SUCKA!" But I've been where you've been. I know how it feels to find yourself downing a box of Toblerones while watching “Legally Blond” until three in the morning. We've all been there, and it isn't pretty. Especially if you left those Toblerones in your car all day and are forced to squeeze melted Toblerone chocolate into your mouth but keep missing and find yourself covered in chocolate and weeping uncontrollably. Such is life.
Here's the deal. I'm going to tell you that, "I love you," and then I'm going to wait an excruciating couple of seconds before following it up with an "as a brother in Christ," but don't go thinking that I don't mean it. Because I do. You can always count on me, specifically if you want me to give you a back massage. And although that back massage may feel like being stabbed numerous times in the spine, it still says more than any words could.
You look tense. Perhaps if I press play on this CD player I could provide you with enough comfort to get through Valentine’s Day as a fine single lady.
Oh what do you know, it looks like I left the great philosopher Marvin Gaye in here. That man had a lot of great ideas. I believe he once said, "If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else." You should remember that if you end up drinking virgin apple-tini's all night while stalking the MySpace profiles of your past loves. C'est la vie.
Here's what I want you to do. I want you to find that one special someone (and I know you have a special someone) and at some point on cupid's holiday I want you to draw close to the one you love and whisper in their ear, "You were the best mistake I ever made." If you don't know what it means, they will.
If you're really brave you can follow that up with a sly wink. In the unlikely case that the results are less than expected, just do what I do and pretend it's part of a facial tick. The goal here is to confuse them into submission.
I can tell from the way that you slapped me that you don't approve of my technique for finding love. Well, to each his own. Line them up and knock them down, as I like to say. But to you I wish the happiest of Valentine's Days.