Nice Guys and Modern Women

My brother in law Chris was kind enough to post a link on my Facebook profile to a recent article by April Masini entitled "Dating Secret Exposed: Why Nice Guys Finish Last," I assume because it relates to me.

The title is somewhat of a dead give-away, but if you feel as though the short essay is a tad too wordy to actually read I'll offer up this tasty quote:

"The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return."

The article essentially explains that the most common problem with men, other than how they commonly act like womanizers, is that they don't act nearly enough like womanizers. Woman want to be treated poorly. They're into that, apparently.

All this time, men across the globe have been striving to become better people, when in fact the secret is there right in front of them. All they have to do is become an even bigger douche-bag. The job is practically done for us already.
In ancient China, this is a concept known as Wu-wei, in which the greatest action is no action at all. A tree "acts" as a tree without meaning to, the planet's "move" without meaning to move. In this fashion, emperors were meant to rule their lands by simply facing the correct direction. In the same fashion we can all become douche-bags and get sweet poontang just by fulfilling the male stereotype.

All this time we thought women wanted men like THIS:

Suck It Mr. Darcy

When in reality they want THIS:

Mr. Douchey

Which is the same thing, but with class rings, visors, and layered polos with popped collars. Jane Austin was actually on to something. Had she lived a tad longer she would've lived to see a world where the ideal man rides a Segway and get's tazed. If only she hadn't drowned herself or whatever actually happened to her.

So I've decided to improve myself in the form of a list.

THINGS I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG:
-holding doors open
-complimenting women
-being myself
-being sober most of the time
-listening

THINGS I NEED TO START DOING:
-close doors
-act indifferent
-want the exact opposite of what she wants
-be insulting
-stand against railings/walls/doors
-smoke more and talk about getting drunk
-play ultimate Frisbee
-wear polo's
-star in How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days and Failure To Launch


In no time I'll have women literally crawling all over me, like insects, because that's what they are.
Man I'm going to be awesome at this. Thank you April Masini. I now truly am the ideal man.

In no time at all my transformation will be complete in what NASA scientists refer to as the "Matthew McConaughey Effect." It's only a matter of time before I ruin the movie Contact, again, somehow.



But I don't know.
I just don't know.
I'm terrible at Ultimate Frisbee. I find Croc's uncomfortable and morally insulting. Visors just make me sweaty and sometimes, when I actually do listen, I like what I hear.

I think I'd make a terrible, terrible-man.
I'd much rather be so nice it's sick, like I open so many doors for women that I get crazy muscular and can open any door, even really heavy ones. Or I get so good at giving compliments that women actually feel good about themselves. I guess I wouldn't get much in return, but neither does Batman, although he is a billionaire playboy by night.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I want to wear a batsuit and fight crime.

No, that can't be right.


....I'm going to play videogames now.